Who of us hasn’t felt frustrated during the normal activities of life? We may become angry over innocent requests made of us or resistant to reasonable demands on our energy and time. We may carry unspoken resentment and secret antagonism against others—even members of our own family.

These problems have the same source. Life hurts, and its pain is revealed as our injured souls confront life every day. Some hurting souls have been called “the walking wounded.” The awful reality is that these wounded souls are, to a greater or lesser degree, every one of us. To some extent we have all been hurt and suffered at the hand of life. “For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, ‘Eat and drink!’ But his heart is not with you” (Proverbs 23:7, New American Standard Bible). These painful experiences have sensitized us and made our hearts vulnerable. Granted, some have suffered more than others, or in a greater variety of ways. But all have suffered.

Why do we pretend everything is okay when we’re angry, frustrated, or hurting inside?

We may not want to face the lengthy process of acknowledging and confronting our long endured hurts and fears. It’s the same instinct that causes a person to watch a boring television program rather than select a book to read or engage in serious conversation. It’s comfortable and safe. We know what to expect and it asks nothing of us.

We may be afraid. Like the ostrich who thinks if he doesn’t see something it isn’t there and therefore can’t harm him, we actually believe if we don’t speak some hurtful truth out loud, then it might not exist. If we can just ignore it one more time, it will finally go away. But, like the poor ostrich, we’re wrong. These truths often harm us, and sometimes our relationships with others, because we won’t face them.

We resist relinquishing the status quo. What we know and the way we live are comfortable and familiar to us, even when inside we still experience all kinds of hurts and anger. “Things could be better,” we reason, but they could also be worse. “Better safe than sorry,” we surmise.

Passive-aggressive pretense can be a symptom of spiritual illness stemming from a lack of faith and confidence in God and his promises. We are not to be lazy, but workers who love God and others fervently, diligently strengthening our own faith and the faith of others so we can all be perfected in him. We are not on this planet to feel comfortable and safe, although following God’s plans will ultimately make us so. We were not born to avoid hurt and fear at any cost. We are here to suffer with—and for—God. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me’” (Matthew 16:24). When our own spiritual health and growth and the spiritual health and growth of others is at stake, we must take all the steps necessary to move us toward God and toward truth.

Ignoring our hurts and anger while pretending all is well is to deny reality. Our pain and anger are real and have real causes that can only be cleansed and purified by the marvelous light of the Savior. These resentments, unchecked, can keep others at a distance, interfering in marital intimacy, weakening relationships with our children, parents, friends, and others. Our own purification and cleansing make us better able to minister genuinely and effectively to those souls planted in our pathway by the Lord.

We get to the root of our hurts and sort them out by talking with one another and taking them to God in prayer. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). Speaking truth out loud, no matter how painful it may be at times, is essential.

“I’m not in love with my mate.”

“I am addicted to pornography.”

“I killed or harmed someone.”

“I feel stupid, like I can’t do anything right.”

“I think I’m worthless and no one will ever love me.”

“I hate my father.”

“I’m having an affair.”

“I was molested by a close relative.”

“I may be an alcoholic.”

“I have fears I may be homosexual.”

“I can’t stop eating.”

“I hate people.”

“I’m devastated that my mate doesn’t love me.”

“I’m embarrassed and ashamed of my appearance.”

“I feel jealous and envious all the time.”

“I’m ashamed of my family.”

“I’m rejected and all alone.”

There are as many hurts and as many stories as there are people. But there is only one cure: Jesus.

Be as sympathetic to yourself as if you were a kindhearted soul who just met you and wants to help. Recognize your pain and confront its source. Confess to God your feelings of resentment and anger and ask for help and the ability to forgive. If you aren’t ready to let go of anger or fear, ask God to make you willing to become willing. State your pain out loud to yourself and someone you can trust. If you have no one you trust, entreat God for such a person and then keep your eyes open for him or her. Remember the prayer of Jabez (1 Chronicles 4:9, 10)?

Find people in greater pain than you and try to help them. If you feel anger, try to sort out what has made you angry and face it. It will likely be some great hurt or disappointment that will make you weep. Accept your sadness like a healing balm. Imagine the loving hands of God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit holding you tenderly like a kind, caring parent, stroking your hair and face and kissing your tears away. Allow yourself to be held and adored and comforted by the God of Heaven. Thank God for his love. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He loves you dearly. And don’t be concerned that if you change, you will somehow lose who you are. The Bible says when we lose ourselves, we find ourselves. “He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39).

You can help others by letting them know, “You are loved. Eventually everything is going to be all right.” This is the reality the director of Life Without Limbs, Nick Vujicic, points out. These are two essential truths everyone wants to believe and needs to understand. He has the experience to know. Having grown up without arms and legs, he suffered a great deal—not simply from his physical difficulties but as a result of the unkindness of others. Being brought up by devoted Christian parents, he came to know God’s overwhelming love for him, that he is marvelously and wondrously made, that God has important and meaningful work for him to do and that “everything is going to be all right.” That assurance has made his life joyous and full in spite of his incredible challenges. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose “(Romans 8:28).

You can also provide a service to others by avoiding judgment and by finding ways to help them understand their own pain, anger, and resentment. People will most likely be candid with you when you are accepting, trustworthy, and understanding, and when you are open and candid with them about your own hurts and fears. You can be the loving confidant with whom they may share their heart’s concerns while dealing with their pain. |L