Many things influence our feelings: past experiences, current circumstances, personality, expectations, thoughts, physical and emotional needs, and personal perceptions and interpretations.

Believing feelings to be wrong, some deny their existence and repress them. Others allow feelings to rule their spiritual and personal lives to the point of ruin.

How should we handle feelings in a healthy and wise way? We need to feel them, own them, analyze them, and manage them. “A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps” (Proverbs 14:15). Rather than allowing your feelings to rule your life, give thought to them.

God created us in his image, capable of feeling all the emotions he feels including anger, jealousy, love, sadness, and joy. He felt jealousy and anger at Israel’s unfaithfulness to him. He likened his love toward Israel to the love a bridegroom feels toward his bride. He experienced deep sadness over Israel’s sin and joy at her repentance.

Some find feelings overwhelming, especially when they involve difficult and painful issues. When a feeling comes up, it may carry emotions from the past or reminders of unresolved problems. The feeling may be so unpleasant it is pushed away as quickly as possible. This can be done by denial (refusing to admit the truth) or avoidance (refusing to face the truth). Several common ways to deny and avoid are to stay busy, focus on other people’s problems and lives, or to engage in an addiction. Recovering workaholics, codependents, and addicts recognize that their obsession with a person, substance, or activity had its root in their inability to deal with feelings. To experience our full humanness, we have to be open to feeling all our emotions, even the ones we perceive as negative and painful.

Feelings provide a window into the soul. The first indication that something is wrong in your heart, life, or relationships is often a feeling. If you repress the feeling, you will miss the clue about what is really going on. Jealousy may mean you are dealing with pride. Anger and resentment indicate you have expectations about how someone should be or that someone has hurt you or violated a boundary. Sadness or disappointment mean you are experiencing a loss. Guilt means you are feeling responsible for something or someone. Repressed feelings often surface in passive-aggressive behavior. Identifying the roots of feelings helps keep your life free from pride, anger, bitterness, and revenge (Colossians 3:12-14).

When a rich man came to Jesus asking about eternal life, his heart was open to Jesus’ message. But because of his obsession with money, he rejected the message and left feeling sad (Mark 10:17-23). Had he recognized the meaning behind his sadness, he may have realized he was making a mistake rejecting Jesus’ words. People often ignore their feelings and as a result continue in destructive choices, only to pay the price later on.

One of the most common ways people deal with feelings is to blame others for them. We say things like, “You make me so mad.” “He upset me.” “She made me do it.” It may seem logical, but it isn’t true. People do what they do, but we react. Each of us has a different “feeling meter” for the things that push us over the edge. No one can make you mad, sad, bad, or glad. You react in a way that is uniquely you that you are responsible for.

Some of the things that used to upset me about my husband don’t bother me anymore. Early in our marriage, I struggled with him having interests outside our marriage. I was young and expected that we would do everything together. I experienced jealousy, insecurity, anger, and sadness. Today it feels perfectly normal to have separate interests. What has changed? Me. He didn’t make me feel those feelings; I felt them because of what was going on inside of me.

Feelings are often hard to sort out. Internal agitation or uneasiness is often the first indication that something needs our attention. It may take a while to peel off the layers and figure out what is underneath them, but it is necessary, and the first step is to take responsibility for your feelings. It doesn’t mean the other person’s behavior doesn’t need to be dealt with in appropriate ways or that the feelings aren’t valid; it only means that you start by recognizing that your feelings are yours.

After feelings are felt and owned, they need to be analyzed rather than taken at face value. James 1:6-8 describes a double-minded man as a wave tossed about by the wind. Picture a rag doll floating in the waves, being thrown forward then pulled back repeatedly. When we allow our feelings to fling us back and forth, we are unable to choose how to respond to life. You feel happy, sad, angry, disappointed, fearful, anxious, jealous, guilty, or indifferent—now what?

Feelings aren’t necessarily an accurate measure of reality. How you feel is related to your current circumstances and state of mind. Ever felt irritated at the store clerk who is slow when just the day before you happily engaged the clerk in a conversation? What changed? You! You were pressured, tired, over-stressed, and pre-occupied rather than relaxed. Your interpretation, if unanalyzed, would be “She is so inept” versus “I am impatient today.” Analyzing the factors that influence your feelings helps you sort out what is going on and is essential in helping you react appropriately to people, places, and things in a truthful manner.

I was speaking with an irate woman on the phone whose husband was late for dinner. She was assuming he was inconsiderate, until I suggested he might be stuck in traffic, working overtime, or even hurt. Instead of being angry, she felt concern. Another woman was offended by her friend’s distance—until she found out she was dealing with some serious problems in her marriage. Our feelings are directly affected by our thoughts. The Pharisees judged by outward appearances and their limited understanding, but Jesus judged with truth (John 8:15, 16). Analyzing your feelings means you pay attention to what is going on with you, the other person, the situation, and what you know to be true—before you draw conclusions and act on them.

You have felt, owned, and analyzed your feelings. What do you do next? It is time to manage them by deciding what to do with them. Do you need to express them to the person, take an appropriate action, set a limit, or make a personal change? Or will time take care of them? The heart of a wise man weighs his answer but an unwise man reacts without restraint (Proverbs 15:28).

David is my favorite biblical “feeler.” He expressed rather than repressed his feelings throughout his many life struggles, pouring them out to God in the Psalms. His prayers also included requests for God to direct his behavior, regardless of his feelings.

When dealing with your feelings about what other people do to you, it is helpful to remember that people do what they do because of who they are. Each of us has a personality that encompasses our past, inborn temperament, opinions, preferences, likes, dislikes, and moods. Learn not to take other people’s personalities personally. It may feel like an act is directed toward you, when in reality, the offending person is simply behaving the way he or she normally behaves. This keeps you from focusing on unimportant things and being oversensitive by personalizing everything.

However, some things need to be confronted by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:25). Approach the person in a way that takes responsibility for your feelings. This can best be done by sharing an “I statement” such as “I am feeling _______ (emotion) about __________ (what the person did or didn’t do).” This statement shares and owns the feeling. You may need to follow the statement with one that asks for a particular response, sets a boundary, or states what you need. It might be something like, “Next time, I need you to call me when you are late.” “I need to be included when you make plans.” “I’m not willing to lend you money.” Or, “I need you to recognize how important that was to me.”

As you can see, feelings are both fact and fiction. The feeling is real and shouldn’t be ignored or denied, but it is composed of both factual and fictional components. Handle your feelings by feeling, owning, analyzing, and managing them so you will rule them, and they won’t rule you. |L