Being alone and being lonely aren’t the same. There are always occasions to be alone. It’s often preferable. Jesus felt the need to draw himself away to a quiet place for prayer and reflection. Something is misguided in the mind of one who thinks he must be with others in order to feel complete or satisfied. In a world that sometimes misses the “singleness” of many I must often remind unmarrieds that one is a whole number.

Dr. Margaret Paul defines loneliness as “an intense sad, sinking, or burning feeling within.” I define it as depression caused by lack of intimacy or genuine companionship. Being with others isn’t necessarily a prescription for loneliness.

There was a period in my life when loneliness became a nemesis. Being naturally gregarious and typically surrounded by family and friends, I found myself not only unattached, but amazingly detached. Though still involved in church life and forced to deal with the public on a daily basis, I found myself in that unenviable position of being lonely in a crowd.

The causes of loneliness are myriad. The loss of a loved one can often bring on a panicky feeling of desperation and aloneness. When I lost my mother at the age of 16, I had a foreboding sense of dread and detachment for months afterward. Often the state of being single for an extended period of time can bring a heavy weight of loneliness. Being closed off from those around us is another common cause of loneliness.

Attitude can create solitude even when we don’t want it. I knew a man who never seemed to have a positive word to utter. If you said it was a gorgeous day to be alive, he would qualify it with, “Maybe, but I hear a storm is brewing to the west.” If you asked, “How’s it going?” he might respond with, “What do you mean by that?” Some people have abrasive personalities yet seem oblivious to it. They are unaware of their self-destructive aura.

Many are the souls who have amazed me by their confessions of loneliness. Often those in high profile positions of influence have the most dread in this area. Perhaps because of their sensitive positions they find it easier to be disengaged than to allow emotional closeness. Once an acquaintance who was a leader in the community confessed to me that he suffered from deep depression caused by the feeling of aloneness. He would have been one of the last persons I would have thought of in that light. He was happily married, had five children, and was a pillar in the world of business.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta wrote that “the most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” One would think a woman like that would have a good handle on the subject. Yet recent books concerning her life reveal that she was often overcome not only by the feeling of loneliness but also by a sense that she was detached from God. Her faith was a constant challenge throughout her years of ministering to the impoverished.

Pharmacology has aided us in many areas of mental illness. We have pills for depression, anxiety, and insomnia. But can a pill be prescribed to make us un-lonely? A close acquaintance who had suffered from loneliness for years finally went to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, thinking he might have a chemical imbalance in his system. Instead of prescribing medication, the doctor gave the man some extremely unwise—and ungodly—advice. He suggested the man engage in extramarital affairs with numerous women.

Why would a professional give such horrible advice? The psychiatrist gave the man a technical name for his malady, explaining that he was suffering from some sort of masculine inferiority complex. He was advised that to overcome this feeling he had to establish himself as a true alpha male. Such advice gives psychiatry a bad name, especially among those who long for God’s psychiatry.

Loneliness isn’t an illness one contracts at the water fountain. But it can be as debilitating and toxic as a viral infection. Loneliness is not a disease, despite what Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. wrote: “What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”

When we are hamstrung by emotional traumas we find ourselves having to deal with other issues that spin off our distress. We lose our incomes. We make matters worse by behaving in anti-social ways. We feed the self-destructive demon that has already invaded our lives. John Cheever said that “a lonely man is a lonesome thing, a stone, a bone, a stick, a receptacle for Gilbey’s gin, a stooped figure sitting at the edge of a hotel bed, heaving copious sighs like the autumn wind.”

After losing his beloved wife, Samuel Johnson wrote, “I have ever since seemed to myself broken off from mankind; a kind of solitary wanderer in the wild of life, without any direction, or fixed point of view: a gloomy gazer on the world to which I have little relation.”

One way to deal with loneliness is to find mutual enjoyment with others. Join a craft club or give Toastmasters a try. Having a pet can be helpful. Volunteering for community service can take the focus off of self and onto others. Helping with the local soup kitchen can be rewarding. Being part of a service team at the local hospital can be exciting.

Surrounding ourselves with positive images and ideas can work wonders. I have a collection of positive sentence sermons I have saved over the years. I have over 5,000 at present and I’m adding to the list weekly. “Conceit is a form of I strain.” “Mud thrown is ground lost.” “No Jesus—No Peace. Know Jesus—Know Peace.” You get the idea. Imagine not being alone. Imagine being with someone you can barely tolerate. Imagine being in prison or in poverty. Such images can make loneliness appear in a different light.

One of the easiest ways to get our minds off personal negative issues is to be engaged in something constructive. A mentor of mine once advised, “Get on the building committee. Get out of demolition work.” Sitting around doing nothing is probably one of the greatest ways to aid and abet the shadow of loneliness.

It may appear trite to suggest this, but we are never alone. Loneliness is a way of being reminded that we need intimacy, fulfillment, direction, and meaning. “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord” (Psalm 139:1-4). When lonely, talk to God. Jesus said he would never leave us or forsake us. We may take great comfort in that.

I have learned to channel my loneliness. I often sense it as a blessing when it encroaches. I will not allow it to distract me, disturb me, or displace my vision. I replace loneliness with the blessing of solitude. Some see these as synonyms. I don’t. Longshoreman philosopher Eric Hoffer stated, “With some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves.”

Hoffer may have had some insight into why there is so much distrust in society. We suspect people are as unthoughtful and uncaring as we sometimes are. If we had a desire to rob a bank, we might think everyone else may be eager to operate a Ponzi scheme. Don’t go there. Embrace loneliness when it comes. Use it to your advantage. Allow the solitude to bless you as a heavenly serendipity. As Paul Tillich has observed, “Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” |L