When the injured Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro had to be put down, co-owner Gretchen Jackson observed, “Grief is the price we all pay for love.” Loving others, ourselves, animals, places, or things can lead to grief. God, who cares for all, suffers too. The Oxford American Dictionary defines grief as “deep or intense sorrow or mourning.” Bible meanings for grief include pain, suffering, trouble, and wounding. In addition to words of blessing, Jesus’ mother also heard, “a sword will pierce your own soul too” (Luke 2:35).

Grief is inevitable and universal for all ages and cultures. The world groans; nations, communities, families, and individuals mourn. Events like 9/11, the Oklahoma City bombing, and environmental disasters like tsunamis affect nations and individuals. My brother and sister lost friends in New York City’s Twin Towers attacks.

Another family member, a drug enforcement agent, died in the Oklahoma City bombing. He’d just spoken to a colleague while walking with him to an elevator. Kenny stayed on his floor and was killed. The colleague lived. Death, life, and grief were just a step away, a loss for many individuals and families.

Grief can be triggered by many things. Here are a few.

Financial losses. Grief can be triggered by excessive debt, too little money, lost benefits, dwindling retirement funds, foreclosures, or bankruptcy.

Career and job losses. In a tough economy even company leaders lose jobs. My brother and sister-in-law, both vice-presidents, lost jobs in cutbacks. Many unemployed struggle to find work.

Relationship losses. Angry conflicts, alienation, fighting, separation, and divorce lead to grief.

Health losses. Diseases, disabilities, and terminal health problems bring grief.

Past losses. The inability to release hurts or disappointments can bind us to loss events, triggering more grief.

Lost dreams. Shattered dreams or disappointed expectations also trigger grief. As a hospice chaplain I visited a schoolteacher and her husband. She was on her deathbed. Only a few weeks before she’d been very active. For years they had planned to move to a family property with a 100-year-old farmhouse. Their long-held retirement dream was destroyed in a matter of weeks, just before they could enjoy it.

Lost control. Grief often accompanies losses and changes, even good ones. My youngest daughter, an aerospace financial analyst, says, “I like change when I will it.” What about change we don’t will? Life may seem out of control. We feel vulnerable. The unexpected, unwanted, and unfair may occur.

Lost hope We may feel like giving up, that the grief situation will never change and we will always feel pain. I asked a patient how long she’d had her pains. She replied, “Forty years.” How much pain was physical? How much personal? I wondered. She seemed to have lost hope.

Grief is uniquely our own. Everyone has individual needs. The following guidelines are for grievers. Experiment with your own plan.

Accept grief as normal. Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). The Bible’s shortest verse is John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” He grieved deeply in Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-42).

Take time. Find time to get alone reflectively, prayerfully, and with others. Give yourself time to heal, whether days, months, or years. Rest and relax. Get some sleep. Enjoy music, reading, outings, and edifying entertainment. Exercise and eat well. Keep up your energy and health.

Communicate. Talk to friends, God, your pets, yourself. Express emotions. Allow yourself tears if needed, seen or unseen. Share your journey and story. Keep a journal to express your thoughts and feelings. You might include reactions to art, music, or poetry. Write out your plans for the future.

Take advantage of grief support opportunities. Join a grief support group. Attend special programs like memorial services that honor losses. Seek counseling with a professional counselor, confidante, or trusted friend.

Renew and build relationships. Care for yourself and others. Give and receive love. Be others-focused and God-focused as well as self-focused. Keep on loving—God, self, and others. Consider lifestyle changes. Should you do some things differently? Must you? If you were a couple, you may now be single. If a parent, you may have lost a child or a friend. Try to accept your life’s new realities while honoring what was good, even wonderful about the past. Be true to yourself and God. Live in the present, not only the past.

Set goals, and develop a vision. Develop some positive expectations about life. Ask God how he wants you to make a difference in the world—to serve him, help others, and strengthen yourself. Recognize grief’s positives. Psalm 126:5 says, “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Manage memories. Remember your loved ones. Keep memorials and mementos but don’t obsess over what’s past. Cherish memories. God’s memories of us are said to be “engraved . . . on the palms of [his] hands” (Isaiah 49:16).

Give your grief to the Grief-Bearer. Isaiah 53:3, 4 says Jesus was “a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering” and “surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows.” Release your grief to God.

Let God comfort you. God is called “the Father of compassion and the God all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3). Jesus, our high priest, feels for us in our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). Receive God’s comfort. Psalm 23:4 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Isaiah 51:12 says “I, even I, am he who comforts you.”

Realize grief isn’t a perfect process. Overcoming personal grief doesn’t mean achieving the total absence of grief but rather managing and reducing it so we’re not dominated by it. If we follow God’s principles, we can expect grief to take less of a toll upon our lives and we will find ourselves strengthened, not weakened by it.

Praise God. As we experience more of God’s comfort we can offer more praise to him.

Discover a new normal. Our friends lost a beautiful 12-year-old daughter to cancer. Her mother said she had “to find a new normal,” a new way of living and looking at her life after Heather’s death. It’s possible to achieve a happy, full life again though different from life before our loss. We may need to develop new routines, make new friends, and forge a partly new identity as part of our recovery.

Accept God’s will. Brandon, a vibrant youth minister, battled with cancer as a teenager and overcame it. Then it returned. Many people prayed for his healing. Brandon strongly expressed his faith, but the virulent cancer spread. He died in the hospital at the age of 29, leaving a young wife and son. He fought as long as he could but found deeper peace with God and the ultimate healing we can only know with God. God will make us whole again when we commit all to him.

We can overcome personal grief with God’s help. As Dr. Angel Martinez said, “God will mend a broken heart if we give him all of the pieces.” |L