My dad was a quick-tempered man and I think I inherited his anger. When my kids misbehave I yell and lecture a lot. That brings back memories of how my dad reacted to my misbehavior. How can I keep my cool with my kids when they act up?

The answer is simple but the application is not. You need to exchange your anger for a different response when your kids misbehave. We recommend you replace your anger with empathy.

When we become angry and lose our temper we also lose the opportunity for our children to learn from their mistakes, which is what we want our children to do. What commonly happens is that our anger sparks anger in our children. Then the child’s anger is directed at us. Anger produces the “fight or flight” response in the brain where thinking is diminished. Unfortunately in the heat of the battle, many parents unintentionally close their children’s minds to learning by resorting to anger, threats, and lectures. As starters, you must reframe your anger so that you see it as an adverse reaction that robs your children of their minds instead of as a way to make your children mind.

Empathy on the other hand keeps children in the thinking mode so they can learn from their mistakes. Unlike anger that puts a wedge between you and your child, empathy drives the lesson home into our children’s hearts. So what exactly do we mean by empathy? Empathy is different from sympathy. It’s more than feeling sorry; it’s the ability to share and understand another’s emotions and feelings. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to put oneself into another’s shoes. When our children mess up, that doesn’t change the fact that we love them the same way God loves us. The Bible reminds us that while we were still misbehaving and rebelling toward God, Jesus died for us (Romans 5:8). Giving empathy instead of anger doesn’t mean we withhold consequences. When our kids blow it, we express our empathy and allow the consequences to do the teaching. Empathy still provides limits but in a loving way.

We know what you’re thinking about now: “That’s going to be hard to do.” Most parents find it difficult to deliver empathy when a child has misbehaved. Our more natural tendency is to become angry. You might find it helpful to come up with one response to use again and again with your kids. When children hear this same empathic statement repeated over and over, they learn two things. They learn that their parents care about them and that their parents aren’t going to back down. Some sample statements might be, “That’s so sad,” “What a bummer,” or “Wow, that must make you feel awful.” Keep in mind that over 90 percent of what we communicate is without words. This means your kids are paying more attention to your tone of voice, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues than to what you say. Children are experts at decoding the nonverbal cues and picking up on our tone of voice. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

While teaching a parenting class, we were explaining about empathy when a mom confessed, “What if I don’t feel like giving empathy?” Another mom explained how she handles it. She said when she didn’t feel like giving empathy she called her mom and asked Grandma to provide some needed empathy! In addition to being short, sweet, and simple, you must be sincere in expressing your empathy.

When your child runs into a problem and you respond with empathy instead of anger, he or she will see you as an ally. We’re guessing that you know from experience how ineffective it can be when you explode in anger. The secret to maintaining a loving relationship with your children while at the same time enforcing limits is to use empathy. A heavy dose of empathy before holding children accountable will go a long way in helping them learn from their misdeeds. And it will do wonders for your relationship with them. Using empathy puts the child in an ownership mode. The child owns his or her mistake rather than blaming it on the parent. The child also sees the parent as being able to handle problems without losing it and letting anger get the best of him. In short, replacing anger with empathy allows children to think and learn from their mistakes, helps them accept responsibility for their behavior, and decreases the “It’s not my fault” attitude. Pretty good motivation to make the switch, don’t you think? |L

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