Whenever my husband and I approach certain subjects, he checks out of the conversation by saying, "I don’t want to talk about it." It seems not talking is becoming the rule rather than the exception for us. How do I get my husband to talk to me more?

Many marriage specialists suggest this may be the top grievance women have when it comes to the men in their lives. Don’t take this to mean men don’t have anything to say. With popular books like Dr. John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (HarperCollins, 2004) highlighting the differences between men and women, we may have bought in to the mistaken belief that women like to communicate and men don’t. In reality, men and women are both from planet earth. Stereotypes about all men being distant and non-communicative are mistaken. In fact, recent research shows that women and men really aren’t poles apart in how they communicate.

A key to better communication with your husband is helping him to feel comfortable enough to open up and share what he thinks, what he feels, and what he wants. Here are some suggestions to help you unlock your husband’s heart.

Dr. Norman Wright, author and marriage counselor, has identified at least three reasons people stop communicating. As you read through his observations, consider what may be causing your husband to disconnect.

Difficulty Talking to Others. Some people simply have a more difficult time communicating than others. A few people actually don’t have the ability to communicate well. They’ve never learned how to share their thoughts and feelings openly with someone else. So when the conversation calls for one to go to a deeper level of communication they disengage. If your husband is able to express his thoughts and feelings about some subjects and disconnects with others, then this is most likely not the reason he’s shutting down.

Afraid to Expose Thoughts. Some people simply don’t believe they have anything worthwhile to offer. They have a poor self-image. As a result of their low feelings about themselves they have difficulty sharing their comments and personal feelings with others. They don’t want to run the risk of being rejected. Does your husband trust that he can share his innermost thoughts and that you will still accept him?

Feelings of "Why Bother." Others think talking won’t do any good, so why bother? They’ve been unsuccessful explaining themselves or being heard by the other person, so they stop trying. When a husband or wife no longer attempts to be understood or to understand there is a real danger of drifting apart. How do you respond to your husband when he shares thoughts you find difficult? Is there a possibility he feels you’re not listening or he can’t get through to you?

Whenever we encounter a problem most of us concentrate first on the other person. Resist the urge to fixate on your husband and focus instead on what you can do to improve communication. On the talking side, avoid or minimize negative and destructive talk between the two of you. Paul says it better in Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs." Listening is usually the first step to better communication, yet this is something few of us do well. James knew that so he encourages us to "be quick to listen and slow to speak" (1:19). We can become so busy thinking about what we want to say that we fail to understand what the other is saying. Put a mental stopwatch on your next conversation and keep track of how much you talk and how much you listen.

Better communication makes for a more intimate and satisfying marriage. A more satisfying marriage makes it easier for both of you to open up to one another and communicate at a deeper level. u

How well you are listening?
Heart: Are you listening with your heart as well as your ears, empathizing with your spouse’s needs?
Energy: Are you listening with energy, giving total attention to your spouse when he or she is trying to communicate with you?
Acceptance: Are you listening with acceptance so that your spouse knows he or she can be vulnerable with you without being rejected?
Respect: Are you listening with respect, giving your spouse’s ideas equal merit with your own opinions?

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