"If kids in stepfamilies had a magic wand
. . . life would be very different," says Ron Deal, president of Successful Stepfamilies
(www.successfulstepfamilies.com) and author of The Smart Stepfamily (Bethany House, 2002).

They would bring their biological parents back together and then, to them, everything would be all right. But these kids don’t have the power to set their world right. According to Ron, many feel like second-class citizens. They believe it’s their fault that they live in a stepfamily. They feel pressured, stressed, and insecure. They have worries and concerns that other kids don’t. They feel sad that their parents aren’t getting back together and jealous of the new people in their lives. In short, kids in stepfamilies can feel out of step with everyone around them.

With a divorce, Ron says, "Adults are well aware of their own losses—they feel them deep down in their souls—but they lose sight of their kids’ losses." The biggest loss is the breakup of their parents and their home. They long to have their parents together again. In addition, because kids have a strong sense of loyalty to their parents, when they’re with Mom, they miss Dad and vice versa. Seven-year-old Dakota Kincaid says, "It’s hard being away from someone [you love]." He lives with his mother and stepfather, but he misses his dad. "He wants to live with his dad, but he wants to live with me, too," says his mother Kristin Hubble. "He feels like he has to choose [between us]."

Not only do kids miss their other parent, they also miss other family members, such as grandparents and siblings. Three years ago, Linda Stone’s eight-year-old son Logan suffered the trauma of being separated from his older brother when Alex chose to live with their dad. "Logan felt close to him and took it personally," says Linda. "I have to reassure Logan that it’s not about him."

In addition to losing contact with loved ones, Ron says, "They also lose the continuity of their living arrangements and routines." They may have to move to a new house and go to a new school. They have to follow new rules and live up to different expectations in two separate households. These are just a few of the changes these kids go through, and when one or both of their parents remarry, their lives change even more.

"Remarriage is a gain for adults," he says, "but for children, it’s more loss." For example, it means giving up the dream that their parents will reconcile—a dream that every kid of divorced parents has. It also means sharing their biological parent with a stepparent and stepsiblings. They see the new members of the family as a threat to the relationship they have with their parent, and they often try to drive a wedge between them. They feel jealous of these new people who have taken away their parent’s time and attention.

Laura Petherbridge, author of When Your Marriage Dies—Answers to Questions About Separation and Divorce (www.laurapetherbridge.com), grew up in a stepfamily. She remembers being hurt that her stepsiblings saw her dad more than she did. "My stepmother’s kids got to have my father full-time. It didn’t seem fair or right." When she and her brother went to visit him, the 20-minute car ride to his house was the best part of the whole weekend because they had him all to themselves. Going out to lunch or for an ice cream cone alone with him would have eased the hurt and resentment they felt.

In addition to sharing a parent with new family members, kids in a stepfamily often have to give up their room or share it with a stepsibling. They also may have to share toys, games, books, videos, and other favorite things. They may feel resentment and bitterness that these outsiders get to have everything that’s theirs—from their parent to their stuff.

With these losses and many others, it’s hard for kids to be happy and excited about the new family. Often the parents, who are happy, don’t understand why. "Kids will often act mad when they’re really just sad," says Ron. When a child says to his stepmother, "You’re not my mom!" he may be feeling, "I wish she was here." Defiant behavior must be addressed, but kids also need an opportunity to talk about their feelings. Giving them room to be sad and frustrated will help.

As they try to get used to the new adult in their home, kids will test the new stepparent. Bobby Collins, certified mediator and founder of STEP-Carefully! (www.stepcarefully.com) says, "Stepkids need patience and consistency. Every single day they need to feel valued and valuable, even and especially when they are [being] brats."

Many children will not know how to refer or respond to a new stepparent. "In front of my mother I had to be careful about what I said about my stepmother," says Laura. "If I had warm feelings toward my stepmother, it was a source of confusion for me."

If kids like their stepparent, they can feel as though they are betraying their real mom or dad. Ron tells parents whose ex-spouses have remarried, "Give [your] kids permission to like, honor, respect, and love the other stepparent." This is extremely tough, but parents who do it make a difficult situation easier for their kids. Parents also need to refrain from talking negatively about the other biological parent because it hurts the kids deeply. It also undermines the relationship between the negative parent and the kids.

Kids in stepfamilies walk a tough road. They live with people they may not like instead of the people they love. They live in two different places with different rules and expectations. They live a life they did not choose and often do not want. Parents and other adults like teachers, coaches, neighbors, and friends can make their lives easier by understanding the losses they’ve suffered, the changes they face, and the feelings they often can’t articulate. We don’t have a magic wand, and we certainly aren’t God, but we can give them what every child needs, regardless of their family situation: love, acceptance, compassion, and hope.

Don’t judge. "Don’t make [someone in a stepfamily] feel like a failure or a second-class person," says Ron Deal. "We’re all sinners who need the cross."

Listen. These couples need a safe place to blow off some steam.

Don’t be quick to offer advice. "Unless you’re in the middle of it, you don’t have a clue what it’s like," says Bobby Collins. Don’t assume that what works in your family with your kids will work for them.

Encourage. "Encourage them to look beyond right now to the future," Bobby says. "If they give up, it will scar the kids more deeply."

Be positive. Regardless of your feelings and opinions about the stepfamily situation, don’t criticize the parents or the stepparents in front of the kids. "It makes them feel bad and builds resentment," says mom and step-mom Kristin Hubble.

Offer to baby-sit. The couple needs time away from the kids to reconnect and remind themselves why they got married in the first place. Time together can help refresh and strengthen them to handle the unique challenges they face.

As you baby-sit, spend time getting to know the kids. Give them a chance to talk about their struggles, too.

Urge parents to get help. Some statistics indicate that the rate of failure among second and third marriages is 65-75 percent. Going to a support group or a counselor can help parents and stepparents see that they aren’t alone.

Pray. Ask for specific prayer requests and follow up. Remind them that God loves them and their kids, and that he can give them the strength and wisdom they need not just to survive, but to thrive. |L