While on a mission trip to Eastern Europe, I spoke with a church leader from Bulgaria. Ivan works for an agency that helps orphans make the transition into adult society. “We don’t measure success by their career choice, like whether they become a doctor or lawyer,” he told me, “but by whether they are able to establish strong and stable families.”

His statement made me think about the time my husband and I had invested over the last four years to prepare our daughters for college. We’ve spent hours discussing college options, potential majors, financial arrangements, and even how to select the best dorm. Had we equally prepared them for another important life choice looming over the horizon—marriage?

Marriage is the first social institution created by God (Genesis 2:23, 24). Parents need to expend as much if not more energy helping their children establish strong and stable families as they do preparing them for a career. Preapration for marriage is a course of study that begins as soon as a child is born.

In the first months of a child’s life, parents are teaching the child about family and marriage. A baby quickly learns about love, affection, caring for personal needs, and communication by observing his or her family members.

A husband and wife teach children about strong marriages by the strength of their own relationship. Overhearing your children mimic an argument you and your spouse had the night before, complete with the same spiteful tone of voice, will convince you they possess keen observation skills!

Children learn how to resolve conflict, show respect, display affection, treat others kindly, and cooperate together by watching their parents. I didn’t realize how simple acts impacted my girls until my older daughter walked into the kitchen one day to find her father rinsing dishes while I washed. I heard behind me a soft but very approving, “Go, Dad!” That one picture of seeing her dad work with me taught her more about the value of marital cooperation than telling her a thousand times, “Couples make their marriage strong by working together.”

It’s a paradox. If you want your child to have a long and happy marriage, put your marriage relationship first, above your children. Your marriage will become a living testimony to your children of how married couples treat each other.

We’ve taught our girls that the three top issues to consider when looking for a mate are faith, finances, and character. Is this person committed to Jesus? Does he uphold the Bible as God’s inspired message? Is he committed to managing his money wisely, treating money and possessions as tools, not ends unto themselves? How does he treat other people—his parents, siblings, other friends, and people in authority?

The Bible tells us we should not be unequally yoked to unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). As my daughters reach marriageable age, I am concerned that they might succumb to choosing a mate who does not have a strong faith, who doesn’t take financial responsibility seriously, or whose character doesn’t show the influence of Jesus Christ. Yet my concern is backward. Instead of worrying about the man they will marry, it’s my job to help each of them become the woman a believing man would want to marry. If our children take their faith in God seriously, they will more likely want to seek a life partner who shares their commitment.

From the time I was young my family taught me about wise money management. We bought only what we needed, used credit cards sparingly, and always paid our bills by month’s end to avoid interest charges. We never bought anything unless we knew we had the money to pay for it. My parents talked over purchasing decisions with us, using them as opportunities to teach money management principles.

Then I met Paul. Paul was gregarious, charming, and had a gorgeous tenor voice. Between scheduled slots at a regional high school music competition, he offered to take me out for breakfast. He defended his lavish order by describing at length the huge meals he typically ordered. When the bill came, Paul discovered he didn’t have enough money to pay for his big breakfast, let alone mine. He asked me for a loan, vowing he would pay me back. Weeks went by with further vain promises. Without even consulting my parents, I knew by watching his mismanagement of money that Paul was not the man for me.

What kind of person do you want your child to marry? Be that person yourself, then help your child become that person. Teach your children to be generous, to put others first, to show respect for authority, to show compassion for the weak. Teach them effective communication skills, consumer know-how, and conflict resolution. Teach them to put God first, trusting him to provide everything else (Psalm 37:4, 5), including a marriage partner.

If we have built a strong marriage and family, our children will reach adulthood believing marriage is good and beautiful. If we have consistently trained our children to have a moral compass and to make their faith their own, they will value a strong marriage as a crucial framework in which to serve the Lord and raise up the next generation. Marriage and family can provide a safe haven from the barrage of pressures hurled from the outside.

Yet marriage is a means to an end, not an end unto itself. The final unit of study in preparing our children for marriage is to teach them to hold lightly to their dreams of marriage.

After her divorce, my friend LeAnne began to pray, “God, I want you to be enough for me. You are enough! Show me how to live like that.” LeAnne’s prayer that God be all-sufficient is a very biblical prayer. In 1 Corinthians 7:25-31, the apostle Paul urges the Corinthians to be thoughtful about the place of marriage. Time is short, he tells his readers, and the world in its present form is passing away. Those who marry will face many troubles, including being distracted from full allegiance to the Lord. We need to teach our children that as wonderful as marriage is and as much as we need strong famlies in our society, God is our most important relationship, not our spouse.

God intended for marriage to provide a picture of our eternal relationship to Jesus. As we prepare our children for this most special of human relationships, we need to teach them to keep marriage in proper perspective.

Easier said than done! My girls tell me they face that perennial guessing game of “Is he the one?” every time they meet an eligible man. An album of wedding pictures, bridal shows at local malls, and magazines with glossy photos of wedding gowns send their brains into a fantasy world. “I’m not sure whether to pursue those feelings or stay completely away,” one daughter told me. She shared with me a Valentine card she sent to a girlfriend that expressed her sentiment. The cover showed two girls running while holding hands. One girl says, “Look! Boys! Run!” The inside of the card reads, “Are we running after them, or away from them?”

We have tried to teach our girls to “focus on becoming the person God wants you to be and surrendering yourself to his will for your life.” We’re confident that if they work on developing their relationship with Jesus and leave mate selection to him, he will, in his timing, bring the right man into their lives. |L