One duty of a single mothers’ ministry coordinator is to discern whether her desire to help has resulted in an unhealthy relationship. Leaders who give too much of themselves find that their families, personal lives, and finances suffer. In turn, the women they serve are robbed of opportunities to exhibit independence, self-confidence, and faith.

Single mothers’ ministry thrives when its coordinators are equipped for the journey. By examining the experiences of women who have mentored single mothers, let’s explore what help really looks like.

Sometimes people serve others to fill a personal desire to be praised or promoted. For Shonya Anderson, Sherry Bramlett, and Nancy Tucker nothing could be further from the truth. Their passion for helping single mothers is genuine and stems from disturbing observations and painful experiences.

Nancy was asked to start a ministry for unwed moms. She rejected the idea three times. After all, she had been widowed, had remarried, and struggled with her new blended family. Eventually she realized her honesty and transparency could inspire single moms. She wanted to tell them God is the only answer—not another husband or another family. Thus Nancy’s passion for unwed mothers was birthed. She now leads a single moms’ ministry in a 15,000-member church.

Sherry works alongside Nancy. Currently a divorcÈe and mother to a young son, Sherry knows firsthand that single moms have been overlooked in churches. Quoting Theresa McKenna’s book, The Hidden Mission Field (Winepress Publishing, 1999), she says, “Only five percent of single-parent families regularly attend church.” This statistic fuels Sherry’s drive to evangelize single moms.

A prior employee of a child and family service organization, Shonya has mentored nearly two dozen teen mothers. Her zeal grew out of a desire to educate, encourage, and equip young women. “It was heartbreaking,” she says, “to see teens that I had watched grow up in church and the community become pregnant. The city in which I lived, worked, and worshiped had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in our state. These teens needed a listening ear, someone to validate their feelings, lift their spirits, and encourage them during this difficult transition.”

Not only does an effective leader ensure that her service is devoid of selfish ambition, she must also examine her own emotional and spiritual health. Before ministering to others in an area where she’s struggled, a leader must first experience victory through Jesus Christ.

For Sherry, overcoming fear was a big step. When she and her husband divorced six years ago, she wondered how she’d regain her bearings, reclaim her self-esteem, and re-enter the workplace after a 10-year hiatus. By seeking Christ and drawing love from him, she won the uphill battle. She gradually learned to assess her value based upon God’s Word—not through her own eyes or her ex-husband’s. Now she proclaims, “I’m content.” Because of her victory, she’s become an inspiration to the unwed mothers she serves.

A good leader can distinguish needs from wants. She knows that in the midst of a crisis, a single mom’s request may not be what’s best. Peter was faced with a similar scenario in Acts 3:2-6 as he and John approached a lame man at the temple gate. When the man begged them for money, Peter replied, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk” (Acts 3:6). Money is not a permanent solution to our problems.

When a mom repeatedly approaches Nancy for help with utilities or rent, she refers her to another ministry that will help her draft a household budget. Armed with a customized financial plan, a single mom can exhibit better stewardship and feel more confident in her ability to provide for her household.

Sherry admits to being a problem solver and often gets frustrated when she has to refrain from fixing someone else’s dilemma. However, she knows God has not called her to create a ministry that merely rescues. She believes God wants leaders to educate women and get them to rediscover their independence or, in some cases, realize it for the first time.

Shonya also recognizes how important it is to clarify boundaries. She warns, “Be careful not to take on single mothers’ responsibilities.” Early in her career, she realized that if she worked harder than the person she mentored, something was wrong. She says, “I try to get moms to figure out solutions to their challenges and call me as a last resort. We talk about the steps they’ve already taken before I intervene.”

Nancy attributes the success of her ministry, in part, to the policies and procedures she uses. Since her church’s budget is so large, guidelines are a necessity. She knows it’s important to “let all things be done decently and in order” (1 Corinthians 14:40, King James Version). Because of her keen operational rules, she seldom faces the pressure of having to personally say no to someone. She does less negotiating as a result, and focuses more on evangelizing the moms who come to her for help.

Leaders won’t always have answers. Deuteronomy 29:29 reminds us that “the secret things belong to the lord our God.” Shonya suggests, “It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ or, ‘This unfortunately isn’t my area of expertise.’” A simple prayer, empathetic smile, or listening ear may be all that’s required to build a mom’s hope and show her the love of Jesus.

Sherry encourages herself with Scripture. She reminds other single moms to recite and meditate on the Word, too. “If God is not the primary focus,” she says, “nothing else works, solves, or provides contentment.”

Recognize Unhealthy Patterns. Responding to open-ended questions, moms often reveal key stressors. When mentoring a mom, Shonya might say, “I can see you’re concerned that your smoking may be triggering Sarah’s allergies. I know it can be difficult to stop smoking, but others have quit. You can, too. What would be different if you weren’t smoking?” This technique provokes independent thinking and sharpens skills single moms need to work through crises.

Build Trust. Nancy establishes trust in her group by speaking the truth in love. Once moms feel safe, they begin to share from their personal lives, and consequently, a framework for good communication is built. When asked how she measures single mothers’ growth, Nancy says, “You see it. I’ve seen women walk in so bewildered, depressed, and sad. They come back a few weeks later holding their head up higher.”

Establish Accountability. To hold teen moms accountable for their actions, Shonya constantly evaluates their progress toward written goals. She discusses the consequences their actions have on their families and encourages them to talk about lessons learned. However, she remains humble. She is quick to remind the teens that we all make mistakes.

Build Confidence. Sherry believes that rebuilding women is an investment. She relates to their struggles, prays for them, teaches them, and speaks the Word to them. She offers them opportunities for growth and celebrates small victories with them. She also recommends that they serve others. This gives moms a new perspective and helps them to appreciate their blessings.

Encourage Stewardship. Shonya believes it’s critical (and empowering) to model life skills to teens she mentors. She shares practical parenting tips, praises accomplishments, and has an exemplary work ethic. A mentor who’s punctual, service-minded, and frugal can also demonstrate the importance of good stewardship without speaking a word.

Although ministering to single moms can be taxing, Nancy describes her efforts beautifully. “Effective single moms’ ministry includes redirecting focus off circumstances and onto the Lord. It’s ministering to moms right where they are. It restores their hope and lets them dream again. It reassures women that the Lord has a plan for them and life isn’t over. It redirects their thoughts from the past into what God has in store for them.”

That’s what help really looks like. |L

• In the United States, 9.8 million single mothers live with children younger than 18.

• In 2006, 36 percent of women ages 15 to 50 who give birth in the past year were unmarried.

• 4.3 million births were registered in the United States in 2006. Of this number, 435,436 were to teens 15 to 19.

(Sources: U.S. Census Bureau, www.census.gov, and National Center for Health Statistics, www.cdc.gov/nchs)