Tax collectors and sinners gathered around Jesus to listen to him while the Pharisees muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them” (Luke 15:2). Knowing their thoughts Jesus told three parables: the parables of the Lost Sheep, the Lost Coin, and the Lost Son. Each one contrasted our loving God with the hypocritical Pharisees.

In the parable of the Prodigal (lost) Son, a father demonstrated godly love for his two sons. The younger son blatantly sinned against him by demanding his inheritance. After squandering it on wild living, he returned home and his father threw his arms around him, kissed him, put a decorated robe on him, a ring on his finger, and sandals on his feet. Then he called his neighbors together for a celebration.

The elder son’s explosive statements show his hidden anger toward his father and brother. If his reactions to life’s problems were usually this volatile, today’s psychologists would identify his behavior as passive-aggressive, a pattern of expressing angry or negative feelings in an indirect or obstructive way. The father might have expected to receive the angry son’s tirade, but he responded compassionately. “My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found” (Luke 15:31).

As a first-born daughter I have sympathized with the elder son. I was strong-willed, yet a devoted people-pleaser. Early in life I discovered that all my people-pleasing efforts failed to bring me the approval I desperately needed and I made choices that led me down a destructive path of sin. After two divorces I found myself alone and depressed.

Like the prodigal son, I saw the mess I made of my life and I cried out to God. He heard my cry and it was as if he came to me, threw his arms around me, and kissed me. I heard him whisper in my heart, “Could you make it through today if I promise to stay with you?” With tears streaming down my face I said, “I guess so.” I started reading my Bible and praying each day before I went to work. I began trusting God instead of trying so hard to please him. I learned that he loves me with an everlasting love. He replaces my anger, disappointment, and negative thinking with his love, forgiveness, and compassion. His love is changing me and today I relate to the father in the Bible story more than either of his sons.

Perhaps the Pharisees felt a tinge of guilt when Jesus told this parable. They knew he pointed to their self-righteousness and they were angry. If you are angry, God can help you overcome your anger and transform you into a loving, compassionate person.

Hidden anger, depression, and passive-aggressive behavior destroy health and relationships, reduce work productivity, and cost billions of dollars in the workplace, courtrooms, and medical facilities. However, not all anger results in passive-aggressive behavior. Review the following list and ask yourself if you experience any of these feelings:

• Low tolerance for frustration

• Impulsive tendencies

• Emotional or verbal abuse

• Physical signs of “losing it” or blowing the top off the hostility canister

• Chronic irritability

• Low energy, passivity, and resentment

• Low self-esteem

• Depression

• Harboring grudges

• Need to control or manipulate

• Self-centeredness.

If you recognize any of these feelings or behaviors in yourself, consider these practical suggestions:

Communicate honestly. State how you think and feel. Express your opinions, beliefs, and interpretations. Use “I” statements. For example say, “I get really upset when . . . .” Focus on your emotional reaction without blaming others. Make specific requests without sarcasm or intimidation.

To avoid intimidating people or coming across as judging them, get rid of shoulds, musts, oughts, always, and nevers in your communication.

Put a stop to negative thinking. Choose instead to think good and wholesome thoughts, help someone, visit a shut-in or someone in the hospital. Give to someone in need. Giving of yourself overrides negative thinking.

Resolve to become assertive rather than passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. “You are communicating assertively when you can stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others,” says David Sobel, MD and Robert Ornstein, PhD in Healthy Mind, Healthy Body Handbook (Ishk Book Services, 1996). “Assertive responses usually result in improved self-esteem, less tension, and, often, the resolution of problems. It is not selfish to assertively express your beliefs, communicate your feelings, or stand up for your values.”

Do not hold grudges. Let go of resentment and bitterness. Forgive.

Stop being self-centered. Instead, think more of others than yourself.

Don’t try to overcome anger or passive-aggressive behavior alone. Trust God to help you.

Jesus demonstrated righteous anger when he cleared the temple saying, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it a den of robbers” (Mark 11:17).

Although Jesus was angry in these situations, he did not sin. He was assertive in his confrontation and did not violate anyone’s rights. His anger did not lead to malice. He did not destroy life. He restored it. In contrast, the anger of the Pharisees led to malice and their malice led them to crucify Jesus.

Even though the Bible does not use the term passive-aggressive, the following verses can help to stop anger, which is at the root of this negative behavior:

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:30-32).

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love” (Ephesians 5:1, 2).

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26).

“Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind” (1 Peter 2:1).

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love” (Colossians 3:12-14).

I will always remember the day God heard my cry and came to me. He gave me a new heart and taught me how to trust him. Because he met my deepest need, the need to know him, I can take my eyes off myself and focus on meeting the needs of others. God’s love for me gave me the approval I desperately needed to overcome my anger and insecurity. It gave me the strength to rise above my circumstances and become compassionate. |L