The day after Christmas, I performed the funeral for “David,” a man who had lived . . . well . . . a difficult life. He fought the drug demon for 40 years. In and out of prison. Married and divorced twice. His only son was by a woman he hadn’t married.

Half the audience was family—those who had borne the brunt of his bad decisions for decades, loving him but hurt by him. They knew him too well, the good and the bad of him, the blessing and the curse of him. They looked up at me with suspicious eyes. “Don’t be cruel,” they seemed to say. “But don’t be dishonest.” A pretty fine line to walk.

The other half of the audience was made up of recovering friends—people as badly failed as he had been, people who brought with them their own share of bad decisions and accumulated pain. They knew him well too, in their own way. His story was their story. They looked up at me with equal suspicion. “What will you say about him?” they seemed to wonder. “Be careful, because you’re talking about me too.”

David had chosen the song Forgiveness by Don Henley to be played as the funeral started, a plea to those left behind to pardon his bad choices and the pain they had caused:

It’s as if David were giving us permission to be honest about his spotted life. I stood to speak as the song ended.

Funeral comments usually focus on the “good” person lying in the coffin, extolling his character, praising her accomplishments. But I had the sense this audience didn’t need lies about David’s goodness but hope that there might be good news in spite of the flaws.

So I told them God birthed this man 53 years ago, blessed him with an immortal soul, gifted him with possibilities. I told them the true measure of a father is not how well-behaved his children turn out (by that measure, God is a failed father) but by how constantly he loves his children whatever their behavior. I suggested that the Bible is not a book filled with holy men and saints (the kind of people any god would be proud of) but a collection of stories about sinners: murderers and drunks and adulterers, prodigal sons and lost sheep and failed beggars. And I talked about God’s love for them all, every last son and daughter, every single wandering, dazed, and confused child.

I told them about a God who welcomed lost boys and forgave blighted women and received dying thieves. I told them that the hope of any funeral was not the goodness of the person in the coffin but the heart of the God who welcomed his children into eternity.

David had lived and died and now was crossing over to meet his God. I couldn’t tell that meager audience what God would do with the failure and brokenness David took with him. I didn’t know how God would deal with a life so blemished and stained. What I did know was that God loved David more than anyone else in that room. That God had far more experience dealing with damaged sons than any of us. That God was an expert in forgiveness and healing and the art of bringing dead people back to life. I told them that was good news, the kind any of us would want to hear spoken over us when our time came.

One of David’s recovery friends shook his head in disgust the entire time I spoke. Afterward he made a point to comment to someone (in a voice loud enough for me to overhear), “That was the worst memorial service I ever heard.” I went over to him and asked him why. “This was supposed to be David’s memorial, not God’s,” was all he would say. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

I walked away broken-hearted—not for David’s lack of a decent memorial, nor for myself having discovered yet another critic. I was broken-hearted for his friend. He wanted lies, not truth. He preferred politeness to honesty. He would rather I plaster over the gaps in David’s life, pretend for a few moments they didn’t exist. He didn’t want David’s future (or his own) to depend on what God might do with failed children.

I thought, It’s hard for some people to hear the good news. But I was glad I got to tell it anyway. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Why I believe in God
October 25, 2009 - Commuting in days of evil
October 11, 2009 - Poets and don’t know it
September 27, 2009 - How Hollywood proves abortion is wrong
September 13, 2009 - Significance
August 30, 2009 - Dance alternatives
August 16, 2009 - Gluttons for gossip
August 2, 2009 - Truth from Twilight
July 19, 2009 - Visitor-friendly churches
July 5, 2009 - The Shack
June 21, 2009 - When forgiveness fails
June 7, 2009 - Re-imagining Education (Part Six)
May 24, 2009 - We are not alone
May 3, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part five)
April 26, 2009 - Conviction
April 12, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part four)
March 29, 2009 - An evangelistic proposal
March 15, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part three)
March 1, 2009 - He makes me sick
February 15, 2009 - Re-imagining education (Part Two)
February 1, 2009 - Spiritual insecurity
January 18, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part one)
January 4, 2009 - Church and politics
December 21, 2008 - Heaven’s music
December 7, 2008 - The church and marriage
November 23, 2008 - God and the president
November 9, 2008 - A time for courage
October 26, 2008 - Likes and dislikes: the Prince Caspian movie
October 12, 2008 - What’s that noise?
September 28, 2008 - Modesty matters (part two)
September 14, 2008 - All it takes is some TLC
August 31, 2008 - Modesty matters (part one)
August 17, 2008 - What would you fight for?
August 3, 2008 - Staying through the credits
July 20, 2008 - Honor to whom honor
July 6, 2008 - Tyler Perry and the movies you’re missing
June 22, 2008 - The peaceable kingdom
May 25, 2008 - Another generation grew up
May 25, 2008 - Technology and the Bible (part two)
May 11, 2008 - Technology and the Bible (part one)
April 27, 2008 - What is truth?
April 13, 2008 - And the geek shall inherit the earth
March 30, 2008 - A charactered God
March 16, 2008 - The college choice (part two)
February 17, 2008 - The college choice (part one)
February 5, 2008 - Ten suggestions for a godly standard of living
January 20, 2008 - Expelled: that “Bueller” guy’s pro-God movie
January 6, 2008 - Choosing a lifestyle
December 23, 2007 - Teachable TV?
December 9, 2007 - Owners or stewards?
November 25, 2007 - Christians teaching Christians to change TV and film
November 11, 2007 - My money is God’s business
October 28, 2007 - Navigating under the radar
October 14, 2007 - The things God values
September 30, 2007 - Movie moments
September 16, 2007 - God’s economics
September 2, 2007 - The best books to read
August 19, 2007 - There’s a rat in ‘separate’
August 5, 2007 - The art of reading
July 22, 2007 - Atheist chic
July 8, 2007 - Why books matter: the sequel
June 10, 2007 - Books: why they matter
June 3, 2007 - The non-impact of “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”
May 27, 2007 - The universal gospel
May 13, 2007 - Loving Muslims through culture
April 29, 2007 - Hope
April 15, 2007 - God in the dark
April 1, 2007 - The gospel goes to the movies
March 18, 2007 - What the Bible movies can teach us
March 4, 2007 - What will you hurt for?
February 18, 2007 - Why Heroes . . .
February 4, 2007 - Give peace a chance
January 21, 2007 - When fairy tales are true
January 7, 2007 - WYSIWYG lives
December 31, 2006 - What’s coming next?
December 17, 2006 - Mercy, mercy
December 3, 2006 - Proof of evolution!
November 19, 2006 - Hungering for God
November 5, 2006 - Violence and government, war and peace
October 22, 2006 - The mighty meek
October 8, 2006 - The Battlestar and the Bible
September 24, 2006 - Soap for the soul
September 10, 2006 - Right vs. cool
August 27, 2006 - The painful truth
August 13, 2006 - More Lies Hollywood Tells
July 30, 2006 - Christian counter culture
July 16, 2006 - The lies Hollywood tells