I have a friend who just found out his daughter was seduced by a married, father-of-two member of their church. She was barely 18 when the affair started. He was twice her age. They carried on for a year before the secret came out.

I hate hearing stories like that, don’t you? I hate these all-too-common moral lapses that bring shame on the church and the cause we serve. But it’s the rest of the story that I really hate.

The elders of this church sat down with my friend to talk about the matter. He told them he was determined to forgive the man and that—in time—he believed the power of God could scour him of all bitterness and anger. He asked only that the man have no further contact with his daughter and that—while my friend’s family healed—the man find another church home.

When the elders conveyed this message to the man in question, however, he rejected that solution. “This is my church too,” he told them. “God has forgiven me. My wife has forgiven me. You must forgive me as well. Telling me to find another church is not forgiveness.”

That response doesn’t surprise me, frankly. People who lack integrity frequently lack a sense of shame. What does surprise me, however, is the response of the elders. They bought it. Wanting to do the right thing, guided by a mistaken view of forgiveness, they welcomed this man back into the church. My friend and his family were encouraged to show “Christian forgiveness” and rise above the pain. They are heartbroken. And, tragically, it is they who are now looking for another church home.

Twice abused. Once by a brother who loved himself more than Christ or his wife. And once by a church who, in the name of forgiveness, effectively sided with a predator against his teenage victim and her wounded family.

Forgiveness is a powerful and profound concept that lies at the very heart of the Christian message. Our God is a forgiving God. We are forgiven people. We, in turn, have been called to forgive others. What does it mean to truly forgive? Here are some things it doesn’t mean:

(1) Forgiveness is not kissing and making up and pretending nothing ever happened.

(2) Forgiveness is not repressing feelings or avoiding hard truths for the sake of surface harmony.

(3) Forgiveness is not a get-out-jail-free card that sidesteps consequences and circumvents the need for true penitence.

(4) Forgiveness is not trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube, restoring everything back to the way it was prior to the offense.

Godly forgiveness involves:

(1) Cleansing the heart of anger, resentment, and hatred toward those who have offended us.

(2) Growing to the point where we can pray for those who have hurt us and can bless rather than curse them.

(3) A willingness to overcome personal heartache in order to rebuild trust where true penitence and sorrow for sin are demonstrably present.

(4) An openness to reconciliation if trust can be reestablished.

At the most basic level, forgiveness is about what goes on inside our hearts. It’s anger control, resentment purging, bitterness cleansing. At this level, it doesn’t really matter if the people we forgive are repentant—if they actually “get” what they have done and how they have wounded. This kind of forgiveness is about who we are and the state of our own hearts, not who the offender is and whether he or she is sorry for what was done.

My friend has a responsibility to forgive in this way, whether the man involved ever repents and changes. That, however, doesn’t mean my friend has to be open to meet this man at Starbucks, go golfing with him, or sit across the Lord’s Table from him. Forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. More is required for reconciliation to occur—more on the part of the one who has offended. Reconciliation can only happen in the context of true penitence, meaningful confession, authentic change, demonstration of trustworthiness, and a willingness to submit to spiritual authority.

For the leaders of a church to insist on reconciliation when these conditions have not been met, when they are not committed to leading the people involved through a process that respects these conditions, is na‘ve at best. It cheapens forgiveness. It makes us constantly vulnerable to those who would take advantage of our naivety, who would slip under our guard with a “Woops! Sorry about that!” but with no intention of changing their ways.

That is not forgiveness; it’s enabling. Let’s be wise enough to know the difference. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Why I believe in God
October 25, 2009 - Commuting in days of evil
October 11, 2009 - Poets and don’t know it
September 27, 2009 - How Hollywood proves abortion is wrong
September 13, 2009 - Significance
August 30, 2009 - Dance alternatives
August 16, 2009 - Gluttons for gossip
August 2, 2009 - Truth from Twilight
July 19, 2009 - Visitor-friendly churches
July 5, 2009 - The Shack
June 7, 2009 - Re-imagining Education (Part Six)
May 24, 2009 - We are not alone
May 3, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part five)
April 26, 2009 - Conviction
April 12, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part four)
March 29, 2009 - An evangelistic proposal
March 15, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part three)
March 1, 2009 - He makes me sick
February 15, 2009 - Re-imagining education (Part Two)
February 1, 2009 - Spiritual insecurity
January 18, 2009 - Re-imagining education (part one)
January 4, 2009 - Church and politics
December 21, 2008 - Heaven’s music
December 7, 2008 - The church and marriage
November 23, 2008 - God and the president
November 9, 2008 - A time for courage
October 26, 2008 - Likes and dislikes: the Prince Caspian movie
October 12, 2008 - What’s that noise?
September 28, 2008 - Modesty matters (part two)
September 14, 2008 - All it takes is some TLC
August 31, 2008 - Modesty matters (part one)
August 17, 2008 - What would you fight for?
August 3, 2008 - Staying through the credits
July 20, 2008 - Honor to whom honor
July 6, 2008 - Tyler Perry and the movies you’re missing
June 22, 2008 - The peaceable kingdom
May 25, 2008 - Another generation grew up
May 25, 2008 - Technology and the Bible (part two)
May 11, 2008 - Technology and the Bible (part one)
April 27, 2008 - What is truth?
April 13, 2008 - And the geek shall inherit the earth
March 30, 2008 - A charactered God
March 16, 2008 - The college choice (part two)
March 2, 2008 - Good news can be hard to hear
February 17, 2008 - The college choice (part one)
February 5, 2008 - Ten suggestions for a godly standard of living
January 20, 2008 - Expelled: that “Bueller” guy’s pro-God movie
January 6, 2008 - Choosing a lifestyle
December 23, 2007 - Teachable TV?
December 9, 2007 - Owners or stewards?
November 25, 2007 - Christians teaching Christians to change TV and film
November 11, 2007 - My money is God’s business
October 28, 2007 - Navigating under the radar
October 14, 2007 - The things God values
September 30, 2007 - Movie moments
September 16, 2007 - God’s economics
September 2, 2007 - The best books to read
August 19, 2007 - There’s a rat in ‘separate’
August 5, 2007 - The art of reading
July 22, 2007 - Atheist chic
July 8, 2007 - Why books matter: the sequel
June 10, 2007 - Books: why they matter
June 3, 2007 - The non-impact of “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”
May 27, 2007 - The universal gospel
May 13, 2007 - Loving Muslims through culture
April 29, 2007 - Hope
April 15, 2007 - God in the dark
April 1, 2007 - The gospel goes to the movies
March 18, 2007 - What the Bible movies can teach us
March 4, 2007 - What will you hurt for?
February 18, 2007 - Why Heroes . . .
February 4, 2007 - Give peace a chance
January 21, 2007 - When fairy tales are true
January 7, 2007 - WYSIWYG lives
December 31, 2006 - What’s coming next?
December 17, 2006 - Mercy, mercy
December 3, 2006 - Proof of evolution!
November 19, 2006 - Hungering for God
November 5, 2006 - Violence and government, war and peace
October 22, 2006 - The mighty meek
October 8, 2006 - The Battlestar and the Bible
September 24, 2006 - Soap for the soul
September 10, 2006 - Right vs. cool
August 27, 2006 - The painful truth
August 13, 2006 - More Lies Hollywood Tells
July 30, 2006 - Christian counter culture
July 16, 2006 - The lies Hollywood tells