“Who is your real mom?”

My wife Candy and I still remember the day our six-year-old daughter came home and repeated the question her friends had asked her at school.

It’s not surprising that they would ask. Candy has blonde hair and fair skin, and Melinda has brown skin and jet-black hair. Still, the question stung. Melinda wondered, “Mom, what should I say when my friends ask if you’re my real mom?”

As she already had done several times before, Candy lovingly explained what we knew about Melinda’s origins. She was born in Korea in 1983, and a few days later her birth mother wrapped her in a blanket with a note pinned to it bearing her date of birth and placed her at the door of an orphanage in Seoul. She was cared for very well by the orphanage and a foster mother for four months, and then an escort brought her to New York City where we met her at Kennedy Airport. Ever since, she has been part of our family—legally, spiritually, emotionally, unquestionably.

Candy chuckled and said, “Pinch me. Am I real?”

Melinda laughed. “Yes, of course!”

“What is a mother?” my wife continued. They talked for a few minutes about how a mother is someone who cares, loves, and nurtures her children. “I’m your real mother,” Candy said, “but I’m not your birth mother. Another woman gave you birth, and for reasons we don’t know, she was unable to care for you, so we had the privilege of adopting you into our family. Your birth mom loved you enough that she wanted you to be safe and cared for.” Satisfied, Melinda ran off to play.

If you’re not an adoptive parent you might not think about it, but the language we use is very significant. Adoptive parents are real parents, not inferior substitutes. It’s fine to speak about our kids’ “biological parents” or “birth parents,” but a phrase like “natural parent” makes adoption sound unnatural.

Real parents love their kids when they’re healthy and when they’re sick, when they obey and when they disobey, when they’re adorable and when they’re hard to be around. Real parents give their kids time, meet their emotional needs, and celebrate their birthdays and graduations.

Real parents know what their children like and dislike, and delight in giving them joy.

They play ball with them in the back yard, read them stories while snuggling together in a big chair, and tuck them into bed at night with a prayer of thanks.

Real parents do whatever they can to provide their children with a good education and a decent place to live. They answer their kids’ questions, teach them moral values, develop their character, and give them a shoulder to cry on.

Real parents do their best to lead their children to Christ so they will develop a bond with their heavenly Father that will outlast any earthly relationships.

Real parents love their children through all the awkward stages. They feel the pain when their teenagers rebel and the relief when they come around again. They love them into adulthood and all through life.

That’s what real parents do. And make no mistake about it, adoptive parents do all those things.

When Melinda was about eight years old, I was leading a Mothers Day service at church. Standing before the congregation, I asked, “Would anyone like to say a word of tribute to your mother?”

Melinda’s hand went up. She said, “I’m thankful for my three moms.”

Surprised and a bit unsure what she would say, I asked, “Your three moms? Can you explain what you mean?”

“I’m thankful for my three moms,” Melinda repeated. “My birth mom, my foster mom, and my real mom.”

I think the whole congregation understood what she meant. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 15, 2009 - How do we see the cities?
November 8, 2009 - Mind your posture
October 25, 2009 - Why they go
October 18, 2009 - Shifting gears
October 11, 2009 - Preparing for D Day
October 4, 2009 - What about when the giants win?
September 27, 2009 - Little losses
September 20, 2009 - Who will attend your funeral?
September 13, 2009 - Loving our ‘children’s children’
September 6, 2009 - John the job coach
August 30, 2009 - An open letter to a closed heart
August 23, 2009 - Trying to be tall
August 16, 2009 - Are you serious?
August 9, 2009 - The benefits (and limits) of education
August 2, 2009 - Behind the snail bus
July 26, 2009 - The official scorer
July 19, 2009 - Pleasant dreams
July 12, 2009 - Watchmen on the wall
July 5, 2009 - Standing at the crossroads
June 28, 2009 - Come on down
June 21, 2009 - A godly father
June 14, 2009 - Greater things
June 7, 2009 - How can I count the ways?
May 31, 2009 - Avoiding Chapter 11
May 24, 2009 - Some things I remember
May 17, 2009 - In bad shape
May 10, 2009 - What did your mother teach you?
May 3, 2009 - Buy in
April 26, 2009 - Seven years to build it
April 19, 2009 - The flock on your block
April 12, 2009 - Untold stories
April 5, 2009 - The path strewn with palm branches
March 29, 2009 - Jesus’ small group
March 22, 2009 - One very fine meal
March 15, 2009 - How big is big enough?
March 8, 2009 - Stewing over stewardship
March 1, 2009 - Removing trust rust
February 22, 2009 - Part of God’s answer
February 15, 2009 - Putting the coin in the koinonia
February 8, 2009 - I still do
February 1, 2009 - Forward progress
January 25, 2009 - His name is . . . controversial?
January 18, 2009 - Matt
January 11, 2009 - The other 90 percent
January 4, 2009 - Growing by leaps and boundaries
December 28, 2008 - Too late for the late Mr. Lazarus?
December 21, 2008 - Christmas bows
December 14, 2008 - Good gifts for tough times
December 7, 2008 - Synoptic parents
November 30, 2008 - Fully engaged
November 23, 2008 - Abundant praise
November 16, 2008 - The cool of the day
November 9, 2008 - Faith, not fear
November 2, 2008 - Going through Samaria
October 26, 2008 - Redefining success
October 19, 2008 - The heresy of hearsay
October 12, 2008 - Here am I
October 5, 2008 - Present—and accounted for
September 28, 2008 - The beauty of baptism
September 21, 2008 - Theme songs
September 14, 2008 - Stress these things
September 7, 2008 - The older I get
August 31, 2008 - Are you ubiquitous?
August 24, 2008 - The Bible in pictures
August 17, 2008 - Watch pocket syndrome
August 10, 2008 - Seriously, we need to laugh
July 27, 2008 - Holes in our pockets
July 20, 2008 - Crushed
July 13, 2008 - Unloved
July 6, 2008 - Blackberry cobbler
June 29, 2008 - The strength you have
June 22, 2008 - How long does a sermon need to be?
June 8, 2008 - Someone else’s mess
June 1, 2008 - Afterward
May 25, 2008 - Diving for pearls
May 18, 2008 - There’d better be a Heaven
May 11, 2008 - Moses’ mom
May 4, 2008 - Every Christian’s job description
April 27, 2008 - Face to face
April 20, 2008 - Jesus slept
April 13, 2008 - A teacher’s helping hands
April 6, 2008 - Freeze the sleaze
March 30, 2008 - Resisting the libel of the label
March 23, 2008 - Famous last words
March 16, 2008 - The humbling, convincing truth of biblical prophecy
March 9, 2008 - Longevity—an overlooked leadership principle
March 2, 2008 - Timeless methods of money management
February 24, 2008 - Thanks, Russ—see you soon
February 17, 2008 - A friend of the world, or a friend of God?
February 10, 2008 - Life-changing words
February 3, 2008 - Can’t miss
January 27, 2008 - Approval ratings
January 20, 2008 - Beyond conception
January 13, 2008 - Not too safe
January 6, 2008 - Amenities
December 30, 2007 - Climate change
December 23, 2007 - Big dreams in a little town
December 16, 2007 - Rest in peace
December 5, 2007 - God’s hand of mercy
December 2, 2007 - Holy humor
November 25, 2007 - So your family isn’t perfect?
November 18, 2007 - Were the whole realm of nature mine
November 11, 2007 - He knows
November 4, 2007 - Plan C
October 28, 2007 - Overcoming evil with good
October 21, 2007 - The eye of the beholder
October 14, 2007 - Airport lessons
October 7, 2007 - Wisdom on the go
September 30, 2007 - Those other songwriters
September 23, 2007 - Gathering the lame
September 16, 2007 - God, me, the world
September 9, 2007 - Look again
September 2, 2007 - Complete the work
August 26, 2007 - Annoyance, weapon, or gift?
August 19, 2007 - The fourth ‘R’
August 5, 2007 - Beyond our reach?
August 5, 2007 - Bend a bow of bronze
July 29, 2007 - You count
July 22, 2007 - Searching for buried treasure
July 15, 2007 - Free delivery
July 8, 2007 - The starting point
July 1, 2007 - Spend yourself
June 24, 2007 - Circuit-riding members
June 17, 2007 - Life sentences
June 10, 2007 - Good housekeepers
June 3, 2007 - Back rowing
May 27, 2007 - The singing voice of God
May 20, 2007 - What’s on your list?
May 13, 2007 - Multi-Operational Managers
May 6, 2007 - Whatever is best for you
April 29, 2007 - Generational accountability
April 22, 2007 - Don’t play with fire
April 15, 2007 - Love for pets (and for God’s other creatures)
April 8, 2007 - If it isn’t true
March 25, 2007 - How to help an atheist
March 18, 2007 - Don’t throw away the scale
March 11, 2007 - Under the radar
March 4, 2007 - In the hospital room
February 25, 2007 - Itching to do wrong
February 18, 2007 - Be yourself
February 11, 2007 - Working at it
February 4, 2007 - In the secret place
January 28, 2007 - Faithful with a few
January 21, 2007 - The pathway of inconvenience
January 14, 2007 - Too much attention
January 7, 2007 - Untapped capacity
December 31, 2006 - Rewriting the script
December 24, 2006 - What is the baby’s name?
December 17, 2006 - We’ll see
December 8, 2006 - Evangelism is a team effort
December 3, 2006 - They didn’t know
November 26, 2006 - Only the best
November 19, 2006 - Layer upon layer of blessing
November 12, 2006 - Cities? Who cares?
November 5, 2006 - A rare form of courage
October 29, 2006 - Can I borrow that?
October 22, 2006 - How full is your plate?
October 15, 2006 - Shouldn’t life be easier?
October 8, 2006 - Time for a check-up
October 1, 2006 - Always remember why
September 24, 2006 - Painful questions, perfect delight
September 17, 2006 - God’s picture frame
September 10, 2006 - No one is useless if he has a friend
September 3, 2006 - On the job with Jesus
August 27, 2006 - Taking pains to do what is right
August 20, 2006 - What can you learn from a child?
August 13, 2006 - Interruptions
August 6, 2006 - Doing your part in the ‘super-organism’
July 30, 2006 - Go and show, then let it go
July 23, 2006 - Harmony
July 16, 2006 - A milestone
July 9, 2006 - The glory of the extra mile
July 2, 2006 - Living in denial?
June 25, 2006 - How good and pleasant it could be!
June 18, 2006 - Advice for young leaders
June 11, 2006 - The person not to marry
June 4, 2006 - Good moments
May 28, 2006 - Empty and full
May 21, 2006 - The best thing about your body
May 14, 2006 - Tough and tender moms
April 30, 2006 - Fed up?
April 23, 2006 - Pillows and bricks
April 16, 2006 - We had hoped
April 9, 2006 - 'Fess up
April 2, 2006 - Where have all the Bibles gone?
March 26, 2006 - Old so soon
March 19, 2006 - Still in the woods
March 12, 2006 - Encourage your kids-don't exasperate them
March 5, 2006 - That empty feeling
February 26, 2006 - The church: a trouble-free zone?
February 19, 2006 - No one understands
February 12, 2006 - Clarity and courage
February 5, 2006 - What will they remember?
January 29, 2006 - The discomfort zone
January 22, 2006 - A voice like no other
January 15, 2006 - A mouth touched by the Master
January 8, 2006 - Owe no
January 1, 2006 - It just 'happened'?
December 25, 2005 - Christmas contradictions
December 18, 2005 - Three stories
December 11, 2005 - Security measures
December 4, 2005 - Stay Colders
November 27, 2005 - 2055
November 20, 2005 - Living like a king
November 13, 2005 - Breaking the pavement in Ukraine
November 6, 2005 - Second stringers
October 30, 2005 - Praying in the dark
October 23, 2005 - The egg basket
October 16, 2005 - The sheep in the shadows
October 9, 2005 - Overcoming grace-resistance
October 2, 2005 - Honesty is the Lord's policy
September 25, 2005 - Kingdom kids
September 18, 2005 - Custom-made Christians
September 11, 2005 - Seeing the whole picture
August 26, 2005 - What a loss!