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We’re not a perfect family. Some weeks it seems we mess up more than we get it right. How can we do better at handling the times we make a mess of things?

None of us “does” family perfectly. We say and do things that offend those who are closest to us. That’s the apostle Paul’s point in Romans 3:23. Because we have a tendency to mess up, forgiveness is an essential part of healthy marriages and families. Our Christian faith teaches us to extend forgiveness. One definition of forgiveness is the ability to release past hurts and failures. Letting go of the past can help us move forward and enable us to overcome anger, resentment, and the desire to punish or get even.

Forgiving involves changing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offender. Bad thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are reduced not because the one who wronged you doesn’t deserve to be punished, but because Christians view those who cause offense the way God views us. That perspective is captured in Romans 5:8, which reminds us that while we were still rebelling against God, Jesus died for us.

If We Fail to Forgive

Health professionals tell us the body manufactures chemicals like adrenaline and cortisone when we refuse to forgive. Too many of these chemicals can result in tension-related ills such as headaches and abdominal pains. Left unchecked, this can result in more serious problems such as ulcers, gastritis, or irritable bowel syndrome. When families fail to forgive, strained relationships are created and maintained. True closeness becomes difficult at best.

The benefits of forgiving have been well documented. Proven benefits of forgiving include the reduction of chronic pain, cardiovascular problems, and violent behavior. Increased hope and decreased levels of depression and anxiety also result. People who don’t forgive typically have higher heart rates and blood pressure and other physical problems. The unforgiving responses of blame, anger, and hostility have been linked with poor health, particularly coronary heart disease and even premature death. Most people who have forgiven others testify about the joy they experienced as they released the emotional burden they had been carrying. Family members, regardless of whether they are the offender or the offended, should seek and grant forgiveness so their personal relationships and physical health will thrive and survive.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people could simply renounce their part in making a mess of things and decide to respond to other members of the family in a gracious and constructive way? Unfortunately it’s not that easy. In order to break free from the pattern your family has fallen into, everyone needs to understand why you react to the struggles in your family the way you do.

Jesus provides us with clear guidance on this issue. During his earthly ministry, a young man approached and asked him to settle an inheritance dispute with his brother. “Jesus replied, ‘Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?’ Then he said to them, ‘Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions’” (Luke 12:13-15). This passage reveals a common human pattern. When faced with conflict, we tend to focus first on what the other person has done wrong or should do to make things right.

In contrast, God calls us to focus on what is going on in our own hearts when we are at odds with others. Why? Because the heart is the wellspring of our thoughts, words, and actions, and therefore the source of our conflicts. The heart’s central role in conflict is vividly described in James 4:1-3. If you understand this passage, you will have found a key to avoiding and resolving the tight spots that affect your family. In short, conflict arises when our desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way.

Making Forgiveness Happen

Forgiving one another as God forgave us helps restore the peace and contentment that can be a part of every family. Forgiveness is not just something you do for the good of the family; it’s also a gift you give yourself. By forgiving others, regardless of their response, you do yourself a great service. You let go of bitterness, contempt, and desires for revenge that deplete your mental and emotional energy. If you don’t let these things go, the other person continues to hold power over your emotions and thoughts. Keep your eye on the goal, which is what Jesus prayed for in John 17:22, “that they (your family) may be one.” |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.