I (Bev) smiled as I read this question because 30 years ago, a minister’s wife took Phil aside and told him she didn’t think I was cut out to be a minister’s wife. Even my grandmother lovingly warned me, “Now, Bev, Phil’s in the ministry; don’t do anything to embarrass him.” I don’t know what they both thought I was going to do to Phil and his ministry, but we have survived, and I think we have worked quite well together in ministry. Phil’s looking over my shoulder and he agrees!

What matters most in your marital relationship is your love and commitment to each other and to God. Your other commitments are a result of that love. For example, because you love your spouse, you will want to be supportive of his goals and dreams. They become part of your dreams, even though they are not necessarily your personal desires. Ruth’s words of commitment toward her mother-in-law, Naomi, seem to say what I’m thinking: “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God” (Ruth 1:16). Commitment to a person takes us down the same path.

You both may travel down the same path, but that doesn’t mean you must give up who God created you to be. I’ve never seen myself as a minister’s wife; I am Phil’s wife. It’s true, he is a family minister and it’s also true that I’m a junior high teacher. I can’t recall anyone ever introducing Phil as the junior high teacher’s husband.

This evening I’m attending a junior high play because my students are involved; Phil’s not attending. There are activities Phil is involved in at church that I don’t attend. It’s not that we never attend functions with one another; the point is I have a choice. Phil asks if I want to be involved; it’s not an automatic assumption because I’m married to him. There are some instances when he comes with me to a school event (after some gentle persuasion), and there are times I know it’s important to Phil for me to attend a church leadership banquet. The real reason I’m by Phil’s side is because of my love as his wife, not as the minister’s wife. Regardless of your future husband’s profession, minister or not, there will be times when he will want you to be with him. Your love and commitment to him will cause you to be with him.

The reason I (Bev) am involved in our church and the ministries there are because of my faith and love for God. So I volunteer and serve where my gifts are best used. Early in our married life there was a need for workers in the toddler area. The previous youth minister’s wife had left a vacant spot so I offered to help, but that was a mistake. Phil quickly learned that if ever we were going to have children, I did not need to spend two hours with little ones on Sunday morning. I quickly moved up to the junior area. Just like any other volunteer, I get to decide where I serve. Ask yourself, “What would I be involved in as a Christian, regardless of who I married?”

What I feel convicted to do, I do; what I don’t believe I’m called to do, I don’t! Some people will disagree with that, but we have found that choice has made our married life and ministry so much better. Unlike Phil, who works for the church, I have a choice. We followed that same philosophy with our children. Brian and Amanda didn’t have to go on mission trips and be in every activity just because they were the preacher’s kids; they were two separate children with individual needs, desires, and abilities.

Be aware that you can support your husband in ways no one else can. Never underestimate the power of prayer for your husband. He also needs a place and person with whom he can relax and allow the constant crusade to stop for awhile. Perhaps you’ll be his best sounding board for ideas and plans. You can become the “wind beneath his wings.” And if you are a couple like Phil and me, you’ll find that you enjoy doing some of the same things together, not because you must, but because you want to. When you choose to serve together, you will simplify life and enjoy time together rather than going in opposite directions. For us that choice has brought fun into our relationship and fulfillment in serving
God. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem