Many Christians view conflict as bad. However, conflict itself is not necessarily bad or destructive. Our negative reactions to disagreements and differences are what give conflict its bad reputation. Conflict can help us grow closer to the people around us and it can help us grow to be more like Jesus. In an excellent resource entitled The Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Reslving Personal Conflict (Baker, 2004), Ken Sande lays out four basic principles of biblical peacemaking and explains how the principles are applied to marriage, parenting, and other family relationships. The biblical approach to resolving conflict is captured by what Sande refers to as the “Four Gs.” Here are Ken Sande’s four practical steps to resolving conflict God’s way.

Glorify God. When the apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live “for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31), he wasn’t talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring him praise every day. When your family gets into another mess, ask yourself this question: “How can we please and honor the Lord in this situation?” Asking this question has the potential of putting family conflict into a much more positive context.

Get the Log Out. One of the most challenging responses to conflict is facing up to our part in the clash. Most of us would much rather view the other person as the source of the conflict. In Matthew 7:5 Jesus says, “first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” There are two kinds of planks you need to look for when dealing with conflict. First, ask yourself whether you possess a critical, negative, or sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict. Second, because we are usually blind to our own sins, you may need to ask a family member or friend who will help you take an objective look at yourself and the conflict so you can face up to your contribution to the battle.

Gently Restore. Another key response to resolving conflict involves helping others understand how they have contributed to the conflict. This step is about restoration, not condemnation. Confronting others with a list of their wrongs will not lead you down the path of restoration. Instead, it will most likely lead to a more intense struggle. Galatians 6:1 provides solid counsel for seeking restoration in a relationship: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.”

Before you jump in and take the direct approach of talking with someone, remember that sometimes it is best to overlook minor offenses (see Proverbs 19:11). The questions below can help you decide whether to close your eyes to the offense or take notice.

• Is the offense dishonoring God?

• Has it permanently damaged a relationship?

• Is it hurting other people?

• Is it hurting the offender?

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions above, an offense is too serious to overlook. In this case, God commands us to talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation (see Matthew 18:15-20).

Go and Be Reconciled. In conflict the focus is often solely upon resolution. Finding a solution is a desirable outcome, but being reconciled is one of the unique features of biblical peacemaking. To be reconciled means to reestablish a close relationship. The senior minister of the church where Bev and I worship and serve, L.D. Campbell, often reminds us that “people are more important than policy.” We can get so caught up defending a policy (or our position) that we lose our relationship with the person. When that’s a member of our own family or church, the fallout can be heartbreaking. Even though we have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world, we sometimes fail to show that forgiveness to others. God calls us to open the way for genuine reconciliation and forgive others in the same way he forgives us. Forgiving others helps us wipe the slate clean and move forward instead of returning to the past.

None of us can make peace with others in our own strength. Ask God to help you do what he has commanded to resolve your conflicts. As God helps you practice his peacemaking principles, you’ll be able to resolve most of the normal conflicts in your family life. For more difficult situations, we encourage you to turn to a spiritually mature person in your church who can give you advice on how to apply the biblical principles more effectively. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem