At times I feel like my husband and I are speaking two different languages. How can we regain those feelings of love and support we felt during the first few years of our marriage?

Dr. Gary Chapman, Christian counselor and author of The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishers, 2003), concluded after 30 years of marriage counseling that there are basically five emotional love languages—five ways people speak and understand emotional love. Dr. Chapman points out that each of us has a primary love language that includes one or two of these five languages. One study found that nine out of 10 couples don’t share the same primary love language.

Words of Affirmation. Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal expressions of appreciation speak powerfully to people whose primary love language is words of affirmation. Simple statements such as “You look great” or “You’re a dedicated dad” are sometimes all a spouse needs to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through words of affirmation is to offer encouragement. It’s not uncommon for me (Phil) to find a note from Bev with words of encouragement. She has learned that is one of my love languages.

Quality Time. Sometimes all your spouse needs to feel loved is your physical presence. This involves more than ending up in the same place at the same time; it’s about giving your full attention to your spouse. A husband watching sports while sitting beside his wife is not an example of quality time. Even a dinner for two can come and go without much quality time being shared.

Bev and I have observed couples eating an entire meal together without saying hardly a word to one another or even making eye contact. Being in the same place at the same time does not qualify as quality time. Quality time includes meaningful conversation and active listening. Whether it’s sitting on the couch having a heart to heart conversation or doing something together you both enjoy, quality time can contribute to feeling loved.

Receiving Gifts. Some people respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their spouse. If you want to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money. If you are a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your spouse. However, a person who is used to investing and saving may have a tough time spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that they are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening the relationship with their spouse. Gifts need not come every day or cost a lot of money.

Acts of Service. Sometimes simple tasks around the house can provide undeniable expressions of love. However, it is important to understand what acts of service your spouse most appreciates. Bev speaks this language. Thinking I was expressing my love to Bev, I washed her car. What I learned through trial and error was that washing the car was very low on Bev’s list of tasks that need to get done. Cooking supper, on the other hand, is much more likely to make Bev feel loved. Love is best communicated when these acts of service are highest on your spouse’s list of priorities and when you do them with an attitude of love rather than a sense of duty.

Physical Touch. Many people feel loved when they receive physical contact from their spouse. Men may need to be reminded that sexual intercourse is not the only type of physical touch. Take time to learn the touches that most communicate love to your spouse. It’s important to learn which touches speak lovingly to your spouse. Like the language of receiving gifts, the touches may sometimes be big acts like a back massage or little acts like a hug or a kiss.

Now that you know the five love languages it’s time to start speaking in the language your spouse understands best. Find out which language is your spouse’s primary love language and learn to speak that language fluently. John 3:16 is one of the most recognizable verses in the Bible. In this verse we learn about God’s love and one of the languages he used to communicate his love. When you begin to communicate your love in the primary language your spouse understands, you should begin to regain those loving feelings. |L

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