My mother-in-law has been fussing because our children haven’t been writing thank you notes for the gifts they receive from them. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m a bad mom. My children say “Thank you” when receiving the gifts. Shouldn’t that be sufficient?

Does it mean your children are ungrateful if they say a speedy “Thank you” and move on? Probably not. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. In the parable of the 10 lepers (Luke 17:11-19) Jesus taught about trusting in God and called attention to the need for thankfulness. Notice in the story the one trusting leper who did return to express his gratitude to Jesus did so with his words and his actions. The Message says of the healed leper, “He couldn’t thank him enough” (v. 16).

Perhaps in addition to words of thanks, your children could write notes of appreciation to make sure their gratitude is getting through to their grandparents. We live in an age of instant messages, text messages, e-mails, and electronic cards. Hand written notes that take more time are often pushed aside. As a language arts teacher I (Bev) know that letter writing is a great way to reinforce reading and writing skills while expressing a heartfelt thank you. By writing out a thank you note (in addition to hearing words of thanks) the grandparents may feel more appreciated. At the same time your children will be sharpening their writing skills and developing a social skill Jesus taught.

The expression of love that is initiated when a gift is given is not complete until the gift is acknowledged. How does a gift giver know his gift is appreciated without a response? Not all responses weigh the same. To encourage the completion of this cycle, we had friends who would not allow their children to play with a gift until they had expressed their appreciation by writing a thank you note to the giver. While we admire their determination, we weren’t quite that rigid.

We suggest you sit down and explain to your children that if people love them enough to take time to find a special gift, spend their money, and deliver the gift to them, a verbal thank you and a note expressing appreciation are the fitting response. This may be another opportunity to teach them that their actions speak louder than their words.

Children love to use cameras and computers, and now it’s easy to take a picture of your child and the gift. You can quickly print photo cards with a thank you message; your child can then add a personal note. If art supplies were part of the gift, encourage your child to use them and create a unique thank you card. Have a variety of supplies on hand and let the writing be fun. Most children enjoy using scissors, glue, pens, markers, stickers, and so on.

We’re not suggesting that the thank you note turn into a masterpiece. Most children will need some encouragement or prompting with the actual writing. For example, you may need to coach them to include how the gift will be used. The note doesn’t need to be lengthy; it just needs to be specific and courteous. As a teacher, I believe writing notes is a skill that is not outdated and still needs to be learned. Younger children can trace letters, and for the very young, you can write as the child dictates (and you’ve spent time together writing the thank you).

Children learn best by observing others. You can be their example. Most likely your children will only write thank you notes if you also do it. Maybe you can begin leaving little notes around the house for your kids to show your appreciation for something they do. And let them experience the good feelings associated with a thankful note. Find clever ways of saying thanks and make it a common occurrence at home. We taped notes to the mirror in the kids’ bathroom or tucked them into their school bags. Brian started writing thank you notes to his sister, Amanda, on her mirror. (We made sure he used a marker that could be erased!)

To jump start their efforts, you might try including your kids in writing some of your thank you notes. For example, you might tell your children that you’re writing a note to say thanks to someone who did something for the family and invite them to add their thanks. Do whatever you can to help your kids understand that a personal note of thanks acknowledges what the gift giver did for them and makes them feel good about doing it. Good manners and gratitude are never outdated, and writing a note of thanks is a great example of good manners in action. |L

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