My feelings were hurt years ago by someone in our family. I’ve been told I need to forgive the person who offended me and get past it. Where do I begin?

It’s a fact of family life. Sooner or later you’re going to be hurt (and you’re going to hurt someone else). That’s because families are made up of imperfect people. Unfortunately, removing the pain families inflict upon one another is not easy. But with God’s help, it is possible. Follow the advice you received and forgive the one who hurt you.

Forgiving the person will certainly be good for your family. Ken Sande in Peacemaking for Families (Baker, 2004), points out that “because Christians are the most forgiven people in the world, we should be the most forgiving people in the world.” Bitterness doesn’t work. The bitterness and resentment you are holding are self destructive and will hurt you more than anybody else. It’s like cutting your own arm and waiting to see if the other person bleeds to death. For your own health and happiness, forgive.

Forgiveness is often misunderstood, even by well meaning Christians. While forgiveness is a command from God (Matthew 6:12, 14, 15) because he wants the best for us, it is also a conscious choice. God won’t force you to forgive.

If you choose to forgive, that does not mean you’re minimizing the seriousness of the offense. Forgiveness doesn’t require denying or excusing hurtful actions. You don’t have to pretend something didn’t happen or that it didn’t hurt. Forgiving doesn’t mean the offender will not have to face consequences.

Forgiving is a process, not an event. It takes time to heal. Lewis Smedes writes about the stages of forgiving. He says we hurt, we hate, and then we heal. Don’t get stuck in the middle stage; keep moving on until you heal.

The unnatural act of forgiving takes a supernatural source to empower it. Forgiving is not forgetting. God doesn’t keep a list of our sins (Isaiah 43:25) and we shouldn’t keep a list of others’ sins against us. What’s important for us is what we do with the memory of how we’ve been wronged. Do we “curse it, nurse it, and rehearse it”? If so, then you haven’t truly forgiven the person and released it. Simply defined, forgiveness is a decision to give up your right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you.

C.S. Lewis observed, “Forgiveness is a beautiful word until you have something to forgive.” Look up the story of the forgiving father (the prodigal son) in Luke 15 and you’ll discover some helpful insights into families and forgiving.

Another story from the Bible about forgiveness in families involves Joseph and his brothers in Genesis 45:1-8. Here are two insights from what Joseph did in order to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery as a teenager. First, remind yourself of the kinship you have with the person who hurt you. Joseph said “I am your brother” (v. 4). Second, refocus your attention and energy on God’s plan for your life rather than on your past pain. Joseph said to his brothers, “So then it was not you who sent me here, but God” (v. 8).

Forgiveness begins by deciding what kind of person you want to be—bitter or better. Consider the story of Missy Jenkins who decided to become a better person. On Monday morning, December 1, 1997, 14-year-old Michael Carneal wrapped two shotguns, two rifles, and a pistol in a blanket and took them to Heath High School In Paducah, Kentucky. When he arrived at school he pulled the pistol out of his bag and fired eight rounds in quick succession at a youth prayer group. Three students were killed and five were injured. Missy Jenkins was one of the seriously injured. To the amazement of the media, Missy forgave the gunman and said the following: “Hating Michael won’t make me walk again. Life is too short to be angry. Besides, I know it’s what Jesus would do.”

What Missy did wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight. But forgiving allowed her to go on with her life. She graduated from Murray State University with a degree in social work, works as a counselor at a regional alternative school, and speaks to students in area schools about bullying and preventing school violence. Missy is now married and has children. Like Missy, you have a choice—bitter or better? We hope you will choose better and forgive your family member. |L

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