Parents are not the only ones guilty of wanting to make decisions for their children. We live in a culture that wants to make many of our children’s decisions for them—what they wear, what they eat and drink, what television programs and movies they watch, what music they listen to, and how they spend their money (to name a few). Teaching children good decision-making skills is a primary job of parents and a necessary part of helping children survive and thrive.

Learning to make wise decisions is one of the most important life skills your children will acquire in the course of becoming responsible adults. You are right in wanting to get an early start.

Handing over decision making to your children is a gradual process based on your child’s age, maturity, and decision-making experience. Because children lack experience, they tend to make decisions that are short-sighted. This absence of forethought can cause children to overlook the impending consequences of their decisions. Don’t let this keep you from allowing your children to make decisions and in the process make some mistakes. Poor decisions followed by consequences will help your children learn how to make better decisions in the future.

Your parents may have held on too tightly, so you will want to be wary not to let loose prematurely. It would be dangerous to give children complete autonomy in their decision making. Begin to teach decision making when your children are young and little by little allow them to make more decisions as they gain experience. For example, you shouldn’t take your child into a grocery store and tell her she can pick out anything she wants; either she would be overwhelmed by the choices or her choices would distress you. Instead, give your child a choice such as “Which cereal do you want—Cheerios or Cap’n Crunch?” As your children grow, so should the number and magnitude of choices you give them. Increase the range of decisions you allow them to make. Along with more decisions your child will be taking on more responsibility. Allow consequences to teach your children that they are responsible for their decisions and eventually their own destiny. As the parent, retain veto power when needed, but use it sparingly.

You can help your children develop good decision-making skills by coaching them through their decisions. First, give your children choices. By giving your children opportunities to make more choices you begin the beneficial process of teaching them how to make good decisions through practice. The earlier you start giving your children choices, the better. “Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your teeth first?” “Would you like to carry your coat or wear it?” These are just a few sample choices to help you realize there are a whole host of choices you can give your children rather than making them all yourself.

A second tip is to give your children the choices you want them to make. In other words, only give choices that fit your value system. Limiting choices that children and teens have will help them make choices without the fear that you will step in and say it is a wrong choice. If you want your child to mow the yard, don’t say “Will you mow the yard?” This sounds like they have a choice. Instead you might say, “Do you want to mow the yard now or after supper?” You are giving your child a choice that you can live with instead of a counterfeit choice.

A third tip is not to expect your children always to make choices you agree with. How many of us make poor decisions from time to time? Since children have less life experience and less practice making choices, it should not surprise us when they make poor decisions. How did we get so good at making good choices? Most would say by making bad choices. Bad choices have consequences, but keep reminding yourself that the cost is much less when your children are little.

The decisions your children make as they approach adulthood will help determine their path in life. As you pointed out in your question, not allowing our children to make choices only makes it more difficult for them later. Some day your child will decide whether to make your faith his faith. Some day she will decide which man she will marry. If they’ve had practice and have been well coached, the chances are greater that they will make wise decisions about what matters most in life. |L

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