For a growing number of parents, the empty nest doesn’t remain empty. The latest census figures indicate that more than 80 million “empty nesters” now find themselves with at least one grown child living at home. The experts refer to these adult children as the “boomerang generation.” Whatever you call them, they’re coming back home in record numbers. Some return hoping to save money; others come back so they can finish school or search for the perfect job. Still others may have personal problems and need a place of refuge while they get back on their feet.

Only you can decide whether to open up your home. We would encourage you to “go with your gut” and not allow the first reaction of your friends to determine your course of action. If you choose to allow your adult child to return to your home, then we want to point you to some straightforward help offered by Roberta Rand. She offers practical steps you and your adult child can follow to lower the risks associated with living together separately and raise the opportunity to strengthen your two families.

Before they move in, you need to have an open and honest family conversation. Discuss mutual expectations. Focus on establishing healthy boundaries. Do this as early as possible to prevent any misunderstandings and lay the ground rules to help you get through the inevitable rubs. If there are behaviors you don’t approve of, now is the time to make that clear. In your family conversation, don’t dwell on the negatives; your adult child knows you and was raised under the rules of your household.

Also discuss what they will need to commit to—namely their share of responsibilities around the house. They are not guests to be served; instead, they are members of the household who should serve. You might want to list the conditions that must be met in order for them to share your home. If they don’t agree to your terms, then you need to reconsider your decision to have them in your home.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. How long does your son or daughter envision staying with you? If rent is not an issue, how will they contribute to the cost of food and household expenses? What household tasks will they be expected to carry out? When will they be home? The rules for grown-up kids will be different than when they were children. For example, curfews aren’t generally appropriate for an adult. As long as your grown child acts responsibly (holding a job, contributing financially or helping with meal preparation and household chores), he or she deserves the same liberty to come and go as any adult while being respectful of others’ privacy and need for rest. Everyone must respect the personal boundaries and preferences of the others. Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: “Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them” (Matthew 7:12, The Message).

Some situations can be more complicated. You don’t want to enable a grown child to avoid adult responsibilities. We hope you don’t face such a scenario. Most kids are just looking for a temporary retreat while figuring out their next step. If you want to maintain healthy relationships while living together, consider the following guidelines. Trust your adult children to make wise choices, even if they sometimes don’t. They’ll eventually figure things out. After all, didn’t we learn much the same way? Put the lid on the impulse to give advice unless it’s asked for. That’s easier to do when your kids are out of your home, but when they’re sitting at your table, restraint can be more challenging. As in all healthy relationships, keep communication lines open. Routinely discuss issues, clarify expectations, or simply clear the air. Pray together regularly. And practice grace. We all have our moments. Three or more adults living in one house is a challenge whether or not you’re related. Give each other some space.

We all need a refuge from time to time. Your kids should know that home is a safe, accepting place to land when they need to regroup. Your goal of an empty nest can be put on hold for awhile. Besides, you may actually enjoy this opportunity to strengthen the bond between your two families. |L

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