Separation is definitely more reasonable than divorce. However, to be straightforward, we must point out that most marriage counselors and ministers recommend that a couple stay together rather than withdraw to work out major conflicts. Their rationale is that issues and problems are best dealt with face-to-face instead of at a distance. This is true in safe relationships. However, if you are in an abusive situation it is best to put some distance between you and your aggressive spouse.

Divorce isn’t what any of us intend when we first get married and neither is it what God wants for us. The subject of marriage separation is addressed by the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11. Clearly the ideal is that marriage should not be permanently disrupted and separated couples should make reconciliation their goal. While separations have successfully been used as a time to heal and work through painful issues, they are not helpful when couples use them to run from their problems.

If you are already talking about whether or not to separate from a troubled marriage, here are some questions by Brenda Branson, co-author of Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis (Judson Press, 2007), to ask yourself before you decide.

Are you physically safe if you remain with your spouse? If not, find a safe place immediately and surround yourself with people you can trust as you begin to heal and work on hard issues from a safe distance.

Does your husband seem willing to seek help through a counselor or minister? If so, and if it is safe, staying put is an option. Staying put means committing to work on the issues until they are resolved.

Are you relying only on your feelings? Discontent can cloud your view and entice you with the idea that you deserve more than what you are now experiencing and that happiness will only be found if you leave.

Are you emotionally stable? If you are having anxiety attacks or suffering other physical symptoms from verbal or emotional abuse, it may be wise to retreat to a safe place where you can become stronger emotionally and spiritually before you begin the hard work of reconciliation.

Separation should not be the first step in trying to save a marriage. Many couples choose to participate in marital counseling to try to work through their differences. Others seek advice from ministers or from family and friends. Many people have had success when participating in marriage retreats or conferences such as Weekend to Remember (www.FamilyLife.com). Sometimes a weekend alone without the kids and the stressors of everyday life is enough to help a troubled marriage get back on the road to recovery.

If you have exhausted your other options and find yourself in the middle of a marriage separation, here are some suggestions.

Go slowly. Separation is like most other transitions, with feelings of confusion about the future. These intense feelings often lead to impulsive decisions that are detrimental to the marriage. Be thoughtful and purposeful in what you say and do.

Meet your spouse at his or her point of need. In other words, try to give your spouse what he or she is asking for. For example, if he wants space and time to reflect on your marriage issues, help him get it. We would suggest that you set a tentative time limit for any separation, such as three months.

Create healthy boundaries. Being considerate of your mate’s needs doesn’t mean you tolerate everything. Come to an agreement about how finances will be handled and draw definite lines on romantic links with others. If your marriage is going to have the best chance possible, you’ll want to agree not to get entangled romantically or sexually with others so you can continue to work on your relationship.

Seek solutions. It’s better to focus on solving your problems rather than placing blame. Listen to what your spouse is saying about the problems you’ve been experiencing and consider how you might need to change as well. Seek individual and joint counseling during the separation to address the key problems and issues that have caused conflict in your marriage.

Agree on the goal of reconciliation and avoid retribution. Work toward coming back together rather than paying back your partner for his or her shortcomings.

If you decide to separate, get back together as soon as possible. Research and common sense say the longer you remain apart, the higher your risk of divorce (permanent separation). Our hope and prayer is that you are able to work out your problems and remain together to enjoy all the stages of married life. |L

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