Most teens want the freedom to do what they want when they want, so you have this struggle in common with nearly all parents of teens. Teens need to learn that freedom is earned and that they can gain freedom by demonstrating responsibility. Adolescence is the time in life when our kids are supposed to learn this lesson.

On the other hand, parents need to be able to recognize when we are being overly controlling and when we are being healthy in how we deal with our teens. In the midst of your teen’s demands and threats, your task is to sift through the madness and lovingly set appropriate limits. When your teen behaves responsibly, you can loosen the reins and grant more freedom. You need to be the calm and clear voice of sanity in your child’s chaotic world. Your teen will need your help learning how to set boundaries. The best way to help her learn is to establish boundaries in your home.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend describe boundaries as “one’s personal property line.” They go on to say that boundaries are “how you define yourself, say who you are and who you are not, set limits, and establish consequences if people are attempting to control you.” When you say “no” to someone’s bad behavior, you are setting a boundary. Keep reminding yourself that boundaries are good for you and good for your kids.

It’s doubtful your teen will ask for restrictions, but most teens want to know what’s expected of them and what the consequences of violating boundaries will be. Dr. Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, gives the following four reasons kids want and need us to set boundaries.

(1) Boundaries provide a sense of comfort. When kids clearly know what is expected from them, the result is a sense of comfort. They don’t have to fear that you will regularly change the rules.

(2) Boundaries provide a sense of security. Kids want to know what is right and what is wrong. They want guidance in navigating through this world. Even so, teenagers will still test your limits from time to time.

(3) Boundaries mark out the “playing field” for freedom. Imagine two teams playing baseball—but without the playing field being marked in any way. Imagine the players having no way to tell what was “in bounds” or what was “out of bounds.” In most sports, a marked playing field is foundational to playing the game. On a marked playing field, players know where their boundaries are. Similarly, kids want their parents to set clear boundaries for them so they can know their “playing field.” Boundaries, in this way, actually create freedom—and teenagers want to be able to experience and learn to handle freedom within the boundaries that have been created.

(4) Most teenagers don’t want to be totally free and responsible for themselves. When our son was about 15 he announced to us that he was now an adult (which to him meant that he was free to do what he wanted whenever he wanted). After Phil explained to Brian what being an adult requires in the real world—namely, he would now be totally responsible for himself—Brian rephrased his pronounced freedom and declared that he was “almost an adult.” Kids don’t want to be totally responsible at this stage of life. Those who succeed in gaining a life seemingly without boundaries and are completely on their own tend to feel isolated and are at risk for giving in to peer pressure. Kids whose parents have set clear boundaries for them experience freedom within the boundaries and can use these boundaries as reasons to say no to inappropriate behaviors. Generally, kids who have clear boundaries fare better behaviorally than kids who don’t have boundaries.

It’s easy in the weariness of battling with your teen to lose perspective and a sense of what is really important. Teenagers tend to live their lives pushing the “urgent” button. That’s why parents need to create an “important” button for themselves and their teen. By setting boundaries and reminding yourself this is the right thing to do, you can confidently “point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost” (Proverbs 22:6, The Message). For more help on setting boundaries read Boundaries with Teens (Zondervan, 2007) by Dr. John Townsend. |L

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