Too many couples spend needless time and energy trying to keep up appearances with their Christian friends in spite of the fact that their marriage needs major surgery. We’re glad you’re looking for pointers rather than the exit.

Because your spouse is skeptical and is considering divorce, you are the one who is going to have to step up and prove that life together can get better. You may not like the fact that this feels one-sided, but swallow your pride, roll up your sleeves, and mentally prepare yourself for a marathon effort. Change will not happen overnight.

During a commencement service at a noted university in England, Winston Churchill gave a speech that lasted less than two minutes. He spoke only 12 enduring words: “Never give up . . . Never, never give up . . . Never, never, never give up.” Churchill’s words offer worthy advice when it comes to winning back your spouse, but we acknowledge that you will need more than motivation to save your marriage. You will need to enlist the help of people who share your values, especially about marriage.

The book of Proverbs offers this advice: “Where there is no counsel, a people fall; but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14, New King James Version). You might be thinking, “Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that we let our friends and family tell us what’s best for our marriage?” Don’t get too hung up on the word multitude. Substitute the word marriage for the word people. “Where there is no counsel, a marriage falls.” We’re not suggesting you consult with everyone in your circle of family and friends, nor should the entire clan be telling you what’s best for your marriage. But if you don’t listen to someone on the outside, you’re headed for more trouble.

Godly friends or couples who will speak the truth about your marriage can be a great source of help even when their insights hurt. Is there someone in your life who can speak to you openly and honestly about the condition of your marriage? Counseling can be beneficial, but it’s not always easy to open up to an unfamiliar therapist or even a good Christian counselor. That’s why we are first recommending that you and your spouse have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you are close to who has a heart for God and a marriage you respect.

You may also need to meet with a marriage counselor. If you don’t feel the counselor is helping, then try another one. Trying a second marriage counselor is no different than obtaining a second opinion on a medical condition.

Personality differences between the counselor and you can hinder your ability and desire to discuss in detail the problems you face in your relationship. Although it may take a couple of sessions before you feel comfortable revealing the depth of the problems, do not hesitate to move on to another counselor if the feeling is not right. However, if you find yourself bouncing from one counselor to another, take a good look at yourself.

In addition to listening to godly counsel, agree to read a good book on marriage together. Reading any of the books below will bring you into contact with some extraordinary counsel from men and women God has gifted in the area of restoring marriages. Here are five of our favorite books on marriage: His Needs, Her Needs (Baker Publishing, 2001) by Willard Harley; The Five Languages of Love (Moody Publishing, 2004) by Gary Chapman; Saving Your Marriage before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry (Zondervan, 2006) by Les and Leslie Parrott; Making Love Last Forever (Thomas Nelson, 1997) by Gary Smalley; Divorce-Proof Your Marriage (Tyndale House, 2003) by Barb and Gary Rosberg.

The most satisfying marriages occur when the wife concentrates on meeting her husband’s needs and the husband concentrates on meeting his wife’s needs. This combination builds the lasting qualities of a giving relationship. You can read more about meeting one another’s needs in His Needs, Her Needs. Of course there are many more pointers one could give to help save a marriage, but we trust these will get you moving in the right direction. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem