First, let us tell you where not to go. Don’t keep heaping guilt on yourself. It sounds to us like you have enough of that already. What parent hasn’t responded to a child in a way he or she feels bad about later? Bev once became so frustrated with Brian that she hurled her book at him. Brian now likes to remind his mom that she has terrible aim—the paperback book didn’t come close to him. Bev counters that if she had really intended to hit him, she could have.

Phil has had his moments too. Once when Amanda was sick and the doctor prescribed medicine in pill form, Phil decided it was time for his daughter to learn how to swallow pills instead of asking the doctor for liquid medicine. The only pills swallowed that day were by Phil showing Amanda that it could be done. The rest ended up scattered across our kitchen floor. Both stories now produce laughter and good-natured ribbing in our family, but in the heat of the battles no one was laughing.

All honest parents will admit to having their desperate moments. Such reactions remind us we are members of the human race. Through the school of hard knocks we have learned several lessons that help us recover when we react like anything but good parents.

It may feel awful when we make a mistake like the ones you are feeling guilty about, but it is even worse when we are unable to face up to it. Some parents make a bigger mistake trying to conceal their missteps. Often we resort to this type of a cover-up because we have convinced ourselves that parents are supposed to be perfect. We have an example to set and an image to protect. But no one is expecting you to be perfect, least of all your children. God does not expect you to achieve parenting perfection. In fact he makes it clear that we will never be all we can be in this life. Romans 3:23 reminds us that all people, including parents, are guilty of falling short. So repeat the following words over and over until they begin to sink in: parents are not perfect.

When you make a mistake, don’t think about it in terms of your failure as a parent. See it as an opportunity to model God’s way of dealing with failure. Turn what could damage your relationship with your children into a learning opportunity. Part of preparing children for life is teaching them how to deal successfully with failure. As an imperfect person, you will have opportunities to model this for your children.

Three things happen in our home when one person wrongs another. First, we admit we are wrong. For some, this step is absolute agony. Second, we say we are sorry. It is tempting to stop after this second step, but we believe another step is needed. Third, we ask for forgiveness from the one who was wronged. Until your family gets the hang of it, write down on a piece of paper these three steps and post them on the door of your refrigerator: (1) I was wrong; (2) I am sorry; (3) Will you forgive me? We have to forewarn you that sometimes you will take all three steps and your child may not be ready to forgive you. Or he might want you to suffer a bit longer for whatever you did. When this happens, be patient and allow him time to soften to your sorrow.

To decrease the times that you “lose it” with your children it would be wise to identify what triggers your lapse in good parenting. Do you feel threatened when your children question your judgment? Do you find yourself overreacting and making mountains out of molehills? Were you fatigued or frustrated about something else? By retracing your missteps you will be able to learn from your mistakes and hopefully take additional steps to prevent more of the same.

Children need to see their parents as they are—warts and all. As you face your own shortcomings you will be helping your children learn from rather than run from their own failures. The Bible teaches us to confess our shortcomings instead of covering them up. Confession is not only good for the soul; it is good parenting. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem