Spouses may divorce from one another, but parents will always be parents. Like you, I (Phil) have witnessed divorce up close, though my viewpoint has been as a child watching my parents move down that path and as a brother watching both my older brother and younger sister go through the wear and tear of a divorce.

Research shows that it is not the divorce itself that is so damaging to children. Rather, it is the on-going conflict and interruption in parenting that creates distress for children of divorce.

The ability of parents living apart to work together in a cooperative, Christ-like manner has a direct impact on how well and how quickly children adjust to their new circumstance and return to normal levels of functioning. Working together with your “ex” is essential to good parenting after divorce.

After the custody issues have been settled and new residences are established, the real work begins. If you’re the spouse who moved out, you face a dilemma. Visiting your children also means seeing your ex-spouse again. As you know, avoiding the kids to keep from seeing the “ex” is not the answer. Sadly, though, it’s an option many parents—especially dads—employ. Keeping up on your financial obligations to your kids takes money, but keeping connected to your kids will take work. Fortunately there are steps you can follow to begin rebuilding a relationship God never intended to be severed. We want to pass on some helpful insights from Dr. Jim Burns about reconnecting with your kids after divorce and remaining connected with them for life. Jim is the president of HomeWord and has been working with kids and families for more than 30 years. These are not the only steps to parenting after divorce, but they are decisive actions to help you to be the dad you want to be.

Forgive yourself. You’ll never be able to re-establish a bond with your kids until you forgive yourself for letting the situation get this far in the first place. Remember, your kids still love you and are grieving over the family they lost. Don’t become defensive; just acknowledge that you had a part in this loss, ask forgiveness, and then move forward.

Talk to your ex-spouse. The kids aren’t the only ones hurting. Although you may not feel empathy toward your spouse, she is in pain and may be the one left with the lion’s share of the responsibilities in raising your kids. Talk to her, apologize for a situation that neither of you wanted when you married, and ask for a clean start for the sake of your kids.

Chart a new course. Just because you’re a father doesn’t automatically make you a “dad.” Your life and the lives of your children are changing dramatically as a result of your divorce. You can’t go back to the way things were, so look ahead and make the most of life as it is now.

Talk with your kids. Don’t just tell your kids how sorry you are for what has happened to their family; instead, encourage them to tell you how they’re feeling. They probably have some anger to express, so let them get it out. Communication is two way, and listening may be the most important way you can communicate with your kids for awhile.

Follow through. You’ve heard this often as a parent, and it’s needed now more than ever. Kids need consistency. They need you to be there for them. If you have limited custody, do everything in your power to keep that time special for your kids. Show up, but don’t overindulge. “Being there” doesn’t always mean in person. So in your absence draw on the many forms of communication you have at your fingertips.

Now that your marriage is over, your children should be your top priority. Focus on making the best of a sad situation between you and your “ex” and do it for the sake of your children. In our family we call this “taking lemons and making lemonade.” Just like parenting before divorce, you’re going to make mistakes. That’s when you’ll want to call to mind the words from 1 Peter 4:8: “Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything” (The Message). A number of helpful books have been written on this subject that you might want to check out. They include Children and Divorce (Thomas Nelson, 1985) by Archibald Hart, Divorced Kids: What You Need to Know to Help Kids Survive a Divorce (Thomas Nelson, 1990) by Johnson and Rosenfield, and Growing Through Divorce (Harvest House, 2007) by Jim Smoke. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
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December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
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