Dealing with divorce is similar to what you would experience when facing any major loss in your life. First, there is the shock of knowing a loss has happened. Shock is often followed by anger over missed opportunities and placing blame. At this point, it’s easy to feel like a failure and fall into depression. Thankfully, the final stage in the healing process is perspective and acceptance. This is when you let go of the past and start feeling better about yourself and life in general. Getting to this final stage is neither painless nor automatic. There will be twists, turns, ups, and downs. Here are some of our thoughts on what you need to do to get off the roller coaster and become the person God wants you to be.

The inevitable stresses of your divorce have probably jerked you around a lot. You need to regain your balance. To take control of your life, you must face the reality that life as it was is over. If you find yourself raging at your ex-husband, it really doesn’t matter if you’re right. What matters is that being enraged will make you a victim and enslave you to your past. Taking control is about becoming a better person, not a bitter person.

Letting go of your anger will help you begin healing after your divorce. Right now you may feel a great deal of rage at your ex-husband. These feelings are a necessary part of your healing. The Bible doesn’t say not to be angry, but “in your anger do not sin” (Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26). Acknowledge the hurt, figure out what went wrong (including your part), and face forward.

A person’s self esteem usually takes a beating during the divorce process. To restore your self-confidence, you need to focus on the positives in your life. Reflect on who you were before your marriage started the downward plunge. Are there more positive images of yourself that you can substitute for the sad ones linked to your failed marriage? Recount your past successes, list the things you do well, and remember what people have said about you that made your self-esteem soar. The Bible reminds us that as you think, so shall you be (Proverbs 23:7).

Along these same lines, replace your negative inner dialog of words such as “I can’t do it” or “I’m just not good” with biblical statements like “I can do everything through him [Christ]” (Philippians 4:13) and “In the image of God has God made man” (Genesis 9:6). This may feel awkward at first, but if you allow God’s Word to permeate your thoughts, your perspective on life will become more positive.

Divorce causes some people to withdraw into isolation. In truth, God created us to be in relationships. Realize that friends are one of the great joys in life. Surround yourself with supportive people. Part of this step may mean forming new friendships. Some of your married friends may not feel comfortable with you right now. Try not to take offense. In time, they may come around to accepting the person you are now. In the meantime, find and spend time with the friends who support your healing and are there for you when you need a shoulder to learn on.

Finding supportive people may also mean joining a support group. A support group will give you a chance to talk to other people who are also healing from the wounds of divorce. The first place we would advise you to check is with your church to see if they offer or can direct you to a divorce recovery group. Having a support system will help you cope with the inevitable stress you will face after the divorce.

Women spend much of their lives taking care of other people. We encourage you to make yourself more of a priority. We don’t mean this in a selfish way. Surprisingly, by taking better care of yourself, you’ll have more energy and motivation to care for others. You might begin by doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. That might be going shopping for a new outfit or simply ordering chocolate dessert! Now is the time to step off the roller coaster, forgive yourself and others of past failures, and start living the abundant life (John 10:10) God desires for you. |L

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