I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My wife reminds me that my perspective of what a family ought to be like is somewhat distorted. My wife’s family is a great model for us, but still I’d like to know more about what makes a healthy family.

You are not alone. In reality every family is somewhat dysfunctional. Romans 3:23 tells us “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sin causes people to become impaired. Impaired people create families that fall short of God’s ideal. Granted, some families are more dysfunctional than others, but no family is a perfect 10. The good news though is that all families have strengths and can become healthier.

What makes some families healthier (more functional) than others? Family researchers started working on an answer to this question back in the early 1970s under the guidance of Dr. Nick Stinnett. Since then, a mountain of research has been collected. In response to your question, we want to revisit the vital signs of strong and healthy families uncovered by the family strengths research. We hope the picture of health painted by the many strong families studied will help your family focus on these proven practices. Within our response we will discuss six of the most persistent and important traits found among the healthiest of families.

Healthy families cultivate commitment. They do all they can to promote each other’s welfare and happiness. Christians are committed to the institution of family as well as to one another. We think this is important to mention in light of the way our culture is misrepresenting family (for example, gay “marriages” and cohabitation). Without commitment to one another and to the family as designed by God, the following five healthy practices will suffer greatly.

Healthy families find a way to spend time together. They enjoy being together and don’t fall for the falsehood that quality time can happen without spending a quantity of time together. This doesn’t mean they do everything together, but they do enough things to develop closeness and stay connected

Healthy families engage in positive communication patterns. They enjoy talking and listening to each other. Their communication penetrates the surface and reaches the gut level of feelings. Even the truth about how one feels is shared in a loving way (Ephesians 4:15).

Healthy families make a point to express appreciation and affection. How many times do we have good thoughts but hold on to them instead of sharing them? Human nature tends to put the most effort into expressing our disappointments. Healthy families do not withhold words of appreciation and affection. Instead, they heap appreciation and affection upon one another.

Healthy families cope with conflict and crises optimistically. Whenever a conflict arises or a crisis hits one of these families, they come together rather than coming unglued.

Healthy families nurture spiritual
well-being. Even secular research conducted by secular universities with funds from our government includes results that bring to light the importance of an active faith in God. Healthy families are highly committed to knowing, loving, and serving God. Faith is a practical part of their everyday lives. These are the six vital signs found among the healthiest families.

As you know, it’s not enough to merely see in your mind’s eye what a healthy family looks like; we must take these healthy patterns and follow Paul’s advice to “keep putting into practice” what we learn from others (Philippians 4:9). We encourage you to jot down the six traits of healthy families and then discuss that list with your spouse. Consider where your family is strong and where your family needs more attention. Once you and your wife have put your heads together, enlist the help of every family member old enough to contribute. Be sure to celebrate your strengths and be careful not to become consumed with where your family falls short.

Now you are ready to take on a work area. Together pick one of the six areas that need some work and start brainstorming ideas about how your family can improve. For example, if your family needs more time together, come up with ideas such as a family night once a week. Next, sort through your list and pick one or two to put into practice. Have fun with the details. As your family works on becoming healthier, keep in mind that although we must do our part, it is God who makes families strong (Psalm 127:1). |L

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