Fear of failure is one of the most formidable obstacles parents face. So let’s be realistic; all parents make mistakes. Don’t set yourself up for frustration by expecting to be a perfect parent. Instead, give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them.

We sense your anxiety about becoming a parent of a teen. Your apprehension is reasonable. Parenting is a hard job and parenting teens is especially tough. When it comes to parenting teenagers, failure can have serious fallout. Still, you must not allow yourself to become paralyzed by fear. Instead, channel your anxiety into action. Your first action step is to be aware of the common pitfalls to avoid in parenting your emerging teen. Here are some of those pitfalls described by Christian psychologist Dr. Les Parrott.

Trying to solve a teen’s problem before the problem is fully understood is a common mistake among parents of adolescents. Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Simon & Schuster, 2004), describes this slip-up in a more positive way by directing us to seek to understand before being understood. Problems in adolescence are more complex than the problems encountered in early childhood. One of the biggest blunders we’ve made in parenting our teenagers was along this line. We thought we understood a problem and acted upon incomplete and inaccurate information. The outcome was upsetting for all of us. Effective counselors and parents are continually asking themselves, “Is there something I may be missing?” Remember, the problem you think you see is not always the real problem.

Parents are often hesitant to listen. We feel a need to be the person speaking. Whether this is about control or communication, we’re not sure (our guess is both). What we are certain about is that when our children became teenagers we had to learn to listen more and speak less. When your teen is speaking it is an opportunity to find out what is going on in his or her head. When you are speaking, you discover nothing about them. James must have been an experienced father of a teen since he wrote, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (1:19).

Ask questions to obtain information, but don’t ask too many questions. There are four questions that we have made regular use of as parents: Where are you going? Who will you be with? What will you be doing? When are you returning? Someone has referred to these questions as “the four big Ws.” Now when we start with a “W” question our teens know the next three that will follow. Parents of adolescents need information, yet we need to refrain from excessive probing. Teenagers tend to respond to such interrogation by becoming defensive and shutting down (you’ve probably seen that glazed look). Make every effort to develop the skill of extracting information without following a long line of questions.

We all want to see our children improve, and the sooner the better. A parent who is eager for this to happen may unknowingly push a teen into doing something he or she is not adequately prepared for. Young people who are rushed into making rapid changes will be set up for failure. Parents must be on their guard against impatience. Most young people cannot and will not make dramatic changes quickly. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22, 23) and a desirable trait for parents of teens.

Our first ministry was at Northern Heights Christian Church (now Northeast) in Lexington, Kentucky, which at the time was the heartland of IBM. The story is told of a promising junior executive at IBM who was involved in a risky venture for the company and somehow in the process managed to lose more than 10 million dollars. When IBM’s founder and president, Tom Watson, called the nervous executive into his office, the young man nervously blurted out, “I guess you want my resignation?” Watson responded, “You can’t be serious. We’ve just invested 10 million dollars in educating you!”

You are going to make your share of mistakes. Learning from your mistakes will make you wiser and a better parent. Hopefully, they won’t be as financially costly as the young executive’s error. As you approach this next stage in parenting, don’t allow the inevitable missteps to cause you to lose heart. Be confident in yourself and take courage in the truth that your love for your teen will cover a multitude of mistakes (1 Peter 4:8). |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
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December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
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