My mother’s health is declining and I live in another state. How can I help my elderly mom who lives many miles away?

American families provide 80 percent of long-term care for aging and ailing adults. Recent estimates indicate you are among five million adults providing long-distance care. Making sure your elderly mom is cared for is a difficult challenge, and doing so from a distance has its own set of issues. Here is some basic information to get you started in a supportive direction.

Many long-distance caregivers don’t consider themselves caregivers. However, remember that caregiving is not limited to hands-on duties; it also includes tasks that can be done from a distance, like paying bills.

Develop a plan for dealing with what is doable from a distance. Begin by openly discussing with your extended family each person’s role and responsibilities within the family structure. Be a sympathetic sibling. Workload disparities can lead to conflicts. If a brother or sister is handling the bulk of day-to-day activities, be sensitive to the strain on your sibling and do what you can to help.

Take the time to work on building a team atmosphere among siblings and other family members. Don’t forget to find out what your parent wants assistance with or you may find yourself working on tasks your mom doesn’t want help with. While caregiving can be stressful, sharing duties helps ease the tension. Work out a care plan so everyone knows his or her role.

Keep in touch via phone, e-mail, or letters. Some families find it valuable to purchase a cell phone for their parents. (Don’t forget to teach them how to use it.) We programmed family members’ and other important numbers into the speed-dial to make the calls less of a hassle for Phil’s mom. Most long-distance caregivers feel the need to spend more time with their parents, but frequently connecting by phone may be the most practical option. In addition to calling, you might send pictures and cards periodically. Bev’s grandmother kept every letter Bev wrote her and read them more than once.

The average long-distance caregiver travels 450 miles one way to reach a parent or loved one. So when you visit, make the trip worthwhile. Be sure to balance duties like shopping with relational activities such as talking. Plus, hanging around the house lets you size up the surroundings. Are the dishes piling up? Is the mail unopened? Has the trash been taken out? Is there food in the refrigerator? These signs could indicate more care is needed.

Plan your visits to coincide with doctor appointments. You’ll get to meet and talk with the physicians and be in the know about health care issues. Get acquainted with your mom’s doctors, nurses, and any social workers on staff. Talk with your family beforehand about questions and concerns and take notes on what the medical staff recommends. Work with your parent to draw up a list of each medication being taken and review that list with her primary care physician. (Because of HIPPA regulations, be sure your parent has signed the appropriate paperwork that allows the doctor to discuss medical information with you.) Establishing a relationship with your mom’s doctors will make talking with them easier down the road. Also, the medical professional will have inside information about valuable community resources.

Break it up. Don’t expect to deal with all the issues and questions in one sitting. Take time to cover the important areas without overwhelming your parents.

Contact the people who live near your loved one and ask them to serve as your eyes and ears. Friends and neighbors can help determine when something needs attention, whether it’s your mom’s driving or her finances. Ask your mom beforehand who she’s comfortable with you contacting so she doesn’t feel like you’re taking away her independence. Alert family members, long-time friends, neighbors—even the mail carrier—about your parent’s condition so you have a network of people to call if you need them. You can also enlist help from local churches and volunteer organizations. They may provide transportation, companionship, or meal delivery. Make sure all of your contacts have your phone number in case they spot a problem.

Whether you’re near or far, caring for an aging or ailing parent can lead to serious stress. Harvard researchers found that caregivers experienced more than double the rates of depressive symptoms as non-caregivers. Guilt is huge, especially for long-distance caregivers who often think “I should be there” all the time. The story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10 shows a caregiver doing what he could. Instead of worrying about what you can’t do, recognize what you’ve already done and focus on doing what you can, despite the distance between you and your mom. |L

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