It’s safe to say every mother of a teenage daughter has been accused of nagging at one point or another. It’s normal for a teenager to feel as if she is being bothered by a pushy parent, and it’s equally common for moms who love their daughters to be protective. Even though our intentions are pure, conflict is usually the end result when a parent enters the echo mode. If you ask parents why they repeat themselves, the answer is usually because they think their teen is not listening. Whether or not your teen is listening, this will come across as nagging to the teenager. Here are some suggestions we hope will help your conversations with your daughter to be less emotionally charged and more positive.

Keep your conversations solution focused rather than problem focused. When you sense a conversation is beginning to turn into a conflict, stay calm. If you become upset, your emotions will be contagious. One way to remain calm is by controlling the volume of your voice. Getting louder will only raise the emotional level and lead to an all out battle. Speaking of battles, pick them wisely. Resist the urge to fight over everything you and your daughter disagree about. Surprise her by simply agreeing to disagree on an issue. You may have noticed that your daughter knows what buttons to push to pull you into a fight. Instead of responding the way you normally would, engage only in the battles that represent what is most important (and keep them to a minimum). If you find yourself in the midst of a dispute, be sure to stick to the subject. Nothing gets solved when the topic is constantly being changed. Getting sidetracked with other issues will keep you from resolving the real issue.

Here’s a shift parents of teenagers need to make. You may have done most of the talking when she was little, but as the parent of a teenager, you will need to do more listening. We encourage you to put James 1:19 into practice. This verse will have a positive effect upon your relationship with your daughter. James tells us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Teenagers will test a parent’s patience. Sometimes it may seem your daughter will argue about everything just for the sake of arguing. Parents must remember that teens are attempting to gain their independence and in so doing they sometimes can perceive us as being in their way. They are discovering who they want to be in life. It’s critical to communicate to your daughter that you are on her side during these challenging years. This does not mean we forfeit our values; we simply understand that constantly repeating ourselves will not produce the results we want. Proverbs 27:15 cautions us that “nagging . . . is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet” (The Message). Nagging hinders communication more than it helps. Sometimes, parents are guilty of nagging. And, at other times, it’s just the teen’s perspective. So, you’re both right! Next time you’re accused of nagging, re-examine the situation and see if there’s another path to a solution. Perhaps it’s time to let consequences be the teacher. Encourage your daughter to do what is right and then give her room to respond. Teens want and need some control over their lives.

Seek first to understand. Focus on understanding your daughter’s point of view first, and then help her understand your perspective.

Keep the past in the past. Leave the past out of it. Refrain from bringing up past issues and mistakes.

Own your feelings. Say “I,” rather than “You.”

Look for a compromise. Don’t head into an argument looking to win. Instead seek a win-win solution.

Give guidance, not orders. No one likes being ordered around, especially teenagers.

Communicate that you care. Your daughter needs to know you care about her. You may be thinking, “Well, of course I care.” The real question is, “Does your daughter feel like you do?”

Communication that goes below the surface to the feeling level will in the end bring you closer together. We believe you and your daughter can make a few adjustments that will help you develop more positive communication patterns. |L

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