Regardless of what other people may think, couples who experience separation like the kind you describe do not divorce at any greater rate than more traditional couples. Multiple studies comparing the two types of couples found no significant difference in the break-up rates. In fact, couples in long distance relationships report identical levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment as other couples. You are not the exception.

The most recent estimates suggest that over three and a half million married persons in the United States live apart for reasons other than marital discord—and that number is increasing. A common worry among couples in long distance relationships is that one of them will have an affair while they’re separated. But studies show that couples in long distance relationships had no greater risk of having an affair than other couples. It seems the risk of having an affair is related more to the quality of the relationship and the people involved than on mere opportunity due to distance. On the other hand, those in long distance relationships tend to worry much more about affairs.

The most challenging aspect of a long distance relationship is maintaining the feeling of being part of one another’s lives while separated. During separation, couples can feel disconnected. This feeling is usually a result of not being able to share in one another’s day-to-day activities. Most people in long distance relationships experience some mild depression. This is probably a reaction to the separation. The emotional reaction to separation is predictable—protest, depression, detachment. Protest can range from a playful “please stay” to significant anger. Depression, though mild, sets in after the protest phase fades. The detachment phase occurs as people accept the reality that they will be apart for a period of time.

Couples can take positive steps to maintain a happy, loving relationship during times of separation. Below are four suggestions from Dr. Gregory Guldner.

Stay Optimistic. Research reveals that the level of a couple’s well-being is determined by each partner’s ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. Happy couples find the right attitude in spite of their circumstances. Staying optimistic about the relationship is the attitude of choice by couples who remain happy while separated. Bear in mind that your time apart is only temporary. Developing a negative attitude is guaranteed to sap the happiness right out of your marriage. In Philippians 4:8 Paul writes about “filling your minds and meditating on . . . the best, not the worst” (The Message).

Find Ways to Remain Close. Use whatever means are available to share in the little day-to-day events of each other’s lives. If couples have access to e-mail, attach pictures with notes about all the little things happening. If you can talk on the phone, make sure you include in the conversation the details that may seem mundane. Couples with fewer opportunities for contact can keep a diary of the items they want to share with their partner the next time they get to communicate. The small stuff makes an enormous difference in maintaining a feeling of closeness.

Develop a Network of Support. Don’t turn inward when separated from your spouse. The degree of social support from family and friends foretells both the emotional difficulty someone will have while separated and the likelihood that the relationship will stay together. Because of this, it’s critical to spend time with extended family and same-sex friends. Having a trusted friend with whom you can communicate will help you make it through the periods of separation from your soul mate.

Expect Difficulties. Couples that are apart tend to measure the quality of their relationship by the most recent time they were together. If the last time together went well, then the relationship is doing well. If not, then the relationship must be in trouble. All relationships have their ups and downs. Couples that are apart don’t have the opportunity to spend more time together to balance out these ups and downs. Simply realizing that there will be some disappointing times together—and that this is normal—will help overcome those not-so-good times.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Absence also hurts. Many couples like you have learned the secret to turning the pain of being apart into an opportunity to grow stronger in your commitment to one another and to your marriage. And in this you are truly exceptional! |L

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