I feel like I’ve become a doormat for my family. I’ve been told by a friend that I need to establish some healthy boundaries at home. I’m not sure where to start.

Let's begin by making sure you know what your friend was talking about when suggesting that you establish boundaries. In a physical sense, it’s easy to understand that a boundary marks where your property ends and your neighbor’s property begins. On the curb in front of our house there’s an X stamped in the concrete that denotes the beginning of an imaginary line between our yard and our neighbor’s yard. When Keith mows, he stops mowing at this property line. Our other neighbor, Allen, recently asked me where our property line was because he wasn’t sure if he was mowing all of his yard. I showed him the X that clearly marked the spot where his yard ends and mine begins.

While not as easy to mark off, our personal boundaries also establish where our responsibilities start and end. They are like personal property lines. Setting limits is a way of defining what you will do and what you won’t do, what’s acceptable to you and what’s not. Too many people feel out of control and taken advantage of because they haven’t established their personal boundaries. Your friend has given you some good advice. If you want to stop feeling like a doormat at home, start by establishing healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries is a major step in taking control of your life. Strong boundaries will help you stand up for yourself, stop agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do, and start feeling less guilty about considering your own needs. It’s part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. When you don’t have boundaries, other people will step over the line without even realizing it. Boundary setting is not about getting other people to change (even though at first, it may seem that way). It’s really about deciding what you will and won’t tolerate in your life, and then communicating this firmly and consistently.

A mom we know had three teenage boys and the oldest was becoming more and more disrespectful. One afternoon he started in on her while she was driving. They were not that far from home. She wasn’t able to control what he was saying, but she decided she could control whether she would continue to listen. After giving him fair warning, she pulled off to the side of the road and ordered him out of her car. She calmly drove away in her car as he walked the rest of the way home. We can’t control other people’s behavior (sometimes that includes our own kids) but we can control the extent to which it affects us.

God gave Adam and Eve a great deal of freedom, but he also established boundaries that included what they couldn’t do (eat of the tree) and what they needed to do (take care of the garden). God deals the same way with us. He created us to be free and to act responsibly with our freedom. Boundaries help us enjoy our freedom while acting responsibly.

It’s not necessary for you to defend or debate your boundaries. A beginning step in establishing healthy boundaries is self-awareness; you’ll need to identify where your boundaries are weak or non-existent. Your friend may be able to help you here. Then establish some new boundaries, beginning with the easiest ones. What may people no longer do around you, do to you, or say to you? Once set, you must tell people clearly when they do something that violates one of your boundaries. Be graceful and truthful in your communication. Then request they stop. Be specific. Thank them for making the change, and if they refuse, warn them of a possible consequence if they continue to ignore your boundaries. It’s up to you to enforce your boundaries or no one else will.

Determine which battles are worth fighting and which you can afford to lose. When you engage in a battle, make sure the consequences impact the other person more than you. Also, reward those who respect your boundaries. The biblical command to treat others the way we want to be treated also applies to boundaries. If you expect your family to respect your boundaries, you must be aware and respectful of their boundaries as well.

Boundary setting is like any new skill—you’ll need to learn the basics, create a plan for applying your new skill, and follow through with action and a support system. Over time and with practice, setting boundaries will become easier for you. |L

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