My daughter’s dad walked out when she was a baby and provides no support. I thought this would get easier, but now that she’s a toddler, I feel overwhelmed. What do I need to do to make it easier as a single parent?

Parenting is the hardest job in America, and being a single parent makes the hardest job more difficult. Even though you feel overwhelmed, remember your child is dependent upon you. Your role and influence in her life will help her become a healthy, productive, responsible adult. Every child needs at least one adult in her life who shows unconditional love. When a child has that, his chances of surviving and thriving multiply many times over. You are that person in your daughter’s life.

If you harbor ill feelings or anger toward your daughter’s father, let them go. Those feelings will crush you and drain needed energy. Frustration will not change the situation, but it will change you. There is nothing you can do to make him be a father. Instead, focus your energy on being a good mom to your daughter. Children are smart and sensitive; your daughter will pick up on any negatives you have toward the AWOL dad. If necessary, turn to a counselor to work through your feelings.

There are no perfect parents, so make it your goal to be “good enough.” It’s okay to have less than a full course meal, or live in a home that would not receive a Good Housekeeping award. Sacrifice is part of parenting, but don’t get caught up in setting unrealistic goals. Beating yourself up is a useless exercise. Instead, recognize what you can reasonably do to create a good life for your child. Phil has a little card on his desk that reads, “Do your best, and allow God to do the rest!”

You need extended help. Surround yourself and your child with family and friends you know and trust—people who care about both of you. “Aunts,” “uncles,” and even “grandparents’” who are not blood-related can be just as beneficial to your child as actual extended family members. Proverbs 27:10 reminds us that it’s better to have a friend close by than a family member far away. When we lived in Kansas, Brian and Amanda needed “grandparents,” so we turned to Mr. Dick and Miss Bonnie across the street and Mr. Walt and Miss Helen at church. The family you form for your child can provide him or her with needed love and support and also help you with your responsibilities as a single parent. Nobody should have to go it alone and you will be a better parent by relying on others to support you and your child.

Your daughter may not remember the items you buy, but she will remember playing with you. It’s not the presents your child needs; she needs your presence. We took Brian and Amanda to Disney World, the zoo, and the circus. But can you guess what one of their favorite memories is? Reading Dr. Seuss and fixing green eggs and ham one morning for breakfast! (Just think of all the money we could have saved over the years!) Your love, support, and time together mean much more to your child. In fact, children spell love t-i-m-e.

One way to help yourself and your daughter is to develop routines. This provides your daughter with stability and security, and the consistency will make your day easier too. Set up realistic rules you can stick to most of the time. If you’re consistent with your child, she will learn what you consider to be acceptable behavior. You must be dependable. If you’re trustworthy, she will learn she can always count on you for things such as helping with the homework, being there for dinner, or tucking her into bed at night.

Finding time for yourself may seem impossible right now, but you need to think outside the box for this one. Single parents are double challenged because they are trying to do the work of two people. Take care of yourself. Perhaps you can trade time with a friend, get up earlier for that cup of coffee, or relax during naptime. Even if it’s a long shower, you need time to recharge your batteries. Energizer bunnies that keep on going without stopping exist only in commercials.

Single parenting is tough and you’ll need to rely on strength you didn’t know you had. You will also need to talk to others and get their support—but no one can replace you. You are raising your daughter in the way God wants her to go so that when she is older she will not depart from the right way (Proverbs 22:6). |L

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