Ask anyone who has experienced the loss of a parent, whether through death or absence, and you’ll hear about a life that has been irrevocably changed. For a junior high girl experiencing the death of her mother, that loss is going to be intensified. Keep in mind that she’s going to struggle and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop that struggle. But you can walk beside her and offer support as she makes her way through a shadowy valley.

Grief takes us on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day she might appear normal and the next day she may feel hopeless. In her own way she is trying to piece together her shattered life. Sometimes the pieces don’t fit together easily. Since no two people grieve exactly the same, allow her to grieve in her own way; there is no right way, although people do share common responses.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth K¸bler-Ross (On Death and Dying, Taylor & Francis, Inc., 2009) introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief,” which represent feelings that many people experience. As you read through the five stages below keep in mind they do not always come in the order listed, nor are all five steps experienced equally by all people.

Denial: This stage usually serves as a temporary defense. An example of denial is the response, “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: When a person recognizes that denial cannot continue forever, anger sets in. “Why is this happening to me? And “Who is to blame?” are questions being asked.

Bargaining: In this stage the person seeks in vain to go back to the way life was by offering, “Make this not happen, and in return I will . . . .”

Depression: During the fourth stage the person begins to realize the loss has really happened and is flooded with feelings of sadness: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: The final stage is when the person finds his way forward and can say, “I’m at peace with what has happened and I’m going to be okay.”

Understanding these stages can help someone become aware that each stage will pass and the end stage of acceptance will eventually be reached.

This teenage girl trusts you. She liked you enough to allow you into her heart, so give her a hug, a few honest words, a smile, or whatever you did before her mother’s death. She needs someone to provide stability while her world is spinning out of control.

Last summer Bev awoke to a text message from a former student that read, “I need to talk.” When I responded with a “Wuzzup?” she said, “Mom died.” I immediately called and went over. We hugged, sat on her bed, and I challenged her when she said, “I’m okay.” She wasn’t. I admitted that I still wasn’t okay after my dad’s death two years ago, so she wasn’t getting by with “I’m okay.” No one is “okay” when a parent dies. This is not the time to offer advice, spout spiritual rationalization (perhaps some might disagree), or avoid the situation.

After the death of my student’s mom, she commented that people didn’t mention her anymore; it was like her name was banned. She needed to be able to talk about her to someone. Acknowledging that her mom died and saying “I’m so sorry” communicates reality and honesty. Your genuineness, empathy, encouragement, and compassion are what she needs.

Whether she’s crying, venting, or laughing, “be quick to listen” (James 1:19). She needs a sounding board. However, if she remains angry over a long period of time, try to nudge her out of it with a new perspective or find a healthy way to release her anger. Don’t hesitate to involve others with counseling support.

A teenage girl is going to need a female perspective. This year another mom and I talked to my young friend about clothes, trying out for the school play, waiting for the right guy, and how to wear her hair. Those are motherly matters! Be there for those special days, her mom’s birthday, and holidays—they will be especially tough. Remember, it’s not simply what you do; it’s that you’re available. And in the midst of the pain, point her to God so she can learn that he cares for her and she can turn all her worries over to him (1 Peter 5:7). You and God can be trustworthy guides to help her through this tragic time back to the good in life that is still to come. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem