Is the world a threatening place full of evil people, or a place of opportunity with people who are making a difference? Self-help books and self appointed “experts” bombard us with the “right” way to bring up our kids, so we’ve become less confident in our own parenting skills. We begin to believe that if we don’t do everything just right, it’s our fault when our kids don’t attain the perfect 10 in life. Consequently, we’re anxious and weighed down with fears. Zig Ziglar says that fear can be defined with its own acrostic: False Evidence Appearing Real. Being a good parent isn’t easy, but neither is it an impossible task. Phil and I are certainly not perfect parents, but we believe with God’s guidance we can be “good enough” parents.

Encourage Responsibility

Imagine this: You’re afraid your son will get hurt if he tries to walk, so you don’t allow him to try. You carry him everywhere. Already you’re shaking your head. OK, let’s reframe this picture: You’re afraid your son will get hurt, but you encourage him to walk to you, he tries, falls down, gets a “boo boo,” you help him up, and within a short period of time, he’s walking on his own. You get the picture. Change your attitude from overprotection and fear to one that teaches responsibility and growth. Once we allow our children to suffer age-appropriate consequences of their actions, even if it means watching them get hurt a bit, we give them the chance to learn how life really works. Here are several questions to ask yourself to prevent fear-driven parenting: (1) Will my child’s decision bring harm to him or others? (2) How will my child’s actions affect him spiritually? (3) Is the child’s behavior, goal, or desire age appropriate?

Send a Message of ConfidenceBiblically speaking, you’re living out of balance by withdrawing from the world. Do you want to transfer your fears to your children? Knowing when to protect your children and knowing when to let them protect themselves can be challenging.

Some degree of fear is healthy and natural in parents. We love our kids so much that the thought of anything bad happening to them sends us into a panic. Yet if we’re not wise, our guarded approach to parenting can smother our child’s spirit. When we let fear dominate our parenting, we can actually shield our kids from the very things they need to be dealing with to prepare them to survive and thrive in the world in which they live.

It’s important for you to let go of your parenting fears if you want your kids to be confident and responsible. By acting as “watchdog” you’ll run the risk of raising kids who are unable to look out for themselves. Fear has a way of silencing the God-given instincts we have for discerning what’s right and wrong, safe and unsafe.A child’s self-esteem and confidence are strengthened when he is able to make decisions and solve problems. Keeping your children attached to you because of your fears will prevent your children from learning and maturing. Consider “letting go” a gift to them.

Fear-driven parenting can cause you to misjudge and mistrust a situation. Ironically, that can send a child down the path you were trying to avoid. Our children will make mistakes just as we do. The key is letting our children know we have faith in them even after they’ve made a mistake or a decision we don’t agree with.

Trust God

A parent’s responsibility is to guide, nurture, and raise responsible children who love God and learn how to make good choices. God has not asked us to smother, control, overprotect, or make their decisions for them. After all, he doesn’t do that to us. Some of our parental fears are legitimate; others are not justified and we need to wait and trust. And here’s the important lesson: until you seek and trust God’s guidance, you won’t be able to discern the difference between the two.

Relax and release your children into God’s care. God will use all the circumstances your kids face in life to shape their character. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” This is our hope as Christian parents. God is in control and we can trust him with our children. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 17, 2006 - The power of praise
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem