The mood around our house has become gloomy lately. At first it seemed like we were just taking each other for granted, but now it’s grumble, grumble, grumble! I can’t pinpoint one problem. So how do we shut down the grumbling and get back on a more positive path?

One of the verses we taught our kids early on was “Do everything without complaining or arguing” (Philippians 2:14). Of course, committing this verse to memory was the easy part. Applying it to family life is downright tough. In his extensive research of strong families, Dr. Nick Stinnett discovered that the healthiest families consistently expressed appreciation and affection to one another. But we don’t have to depend on research for such a conclusion. The Bible says much about building each other up rather than wearing each other out.

Complimenting is a sure cure for complaining. While appreciation is a basic and biblical need, it is often neglected, especially when it comes to expressing appreciation to those closest to us. An absence of appreciation can lead to negative cycles like the one you described taking place in your household.

Let the Positive Start with You

Family members take their cues from one another. That’s because the family is a system. What affects one person has a ripple effect on everyone else. One person’s negative mood will affect others. Recently a member of our family fell into what we call a “contrary mood.” It wasn’t long before what started out as an upbeat day around the Haas household gave way to a gloomy environment. We can all think of times when one moody member of the family set a negative tone for the entire household; we can also remember times when the opposite was true. So here’s our point—you can become the positive mood-setter in your family! Ask God to help you act and react in a positive manner, and then watch the rest of your family follow your example. The turnaround won’t happen instantly, but it will eventually turn the family mood toward the positive.

Don’t Eliminate the Negative Entirely

With the exception of his letter to the Galatians, Paul followed a familiar pattern. First he began with a series of positive statements about specific aspects of his readers’ faith. Then he dealt with the problems at hand, often in a direct fashion. Finally, he closed his letter with more encouragement and affirmation. Some have called this the “sandwich approach” in which the negative content is sandwiched between the positives. A rule of thumb recommended by communication experts is to keep the verbal content in the home at least 80 percent positive. Your goal is to pull your family back to a healthy balance—not to completely eliminate the negative. At times we must deal with negative family matters. When that happens, try Paul’s sandwich approach.

Make Appreciation a Daily Habit

We’ve never heard of anyone running out of compliments, yet we all know how rare compliments can be. Families are often the worst offenders. After a long day a wife prepares supper, which the family consumes night after night without a single kind word. A husband dutifully brings home a paycheck and uses it to provide for his family, but he never hears his family’s gratitude. A child works hard in school and only hears about the mistakes he or she makes. Human relations in general and family life in particular would improve significantly if we would express appreciation daily. Charlie Shedd made it a practice to express genuine appreciation for his wife and children every day.

Don’t worry about spoiling your children by giving them legitimate praise. Willard Tate says we need to show appreciation even when a family member does something that’s “nearly right.” And take note of the small things. Praising the little things family members do can pay big dividends. How can your family break the grumble cycle? Turn on the compliments and you’ll have a better chance of turning off the complaints.

Here’s an activity to get your family started down a more positive path. Have each family member make out an “I feel appreciated when . . .” list. Each person should list at least five things other members of the family can do that make him or her feel appreciated. The items have to be specific, repeatable, and preferably free. Talk about the lists over dinner and then post them on your refrigerator door. We even use our red “special plate” to honor a family member. Encourage everyone to follow in Charlie Shedd’s footsteps and make sharing appreciation a daily activity, beginning at home. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8121 Hamilton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45231, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

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