Q. I love my wife, but she claims she doesn’t feel like I love her anymore. Is it my problem she doesn’t feel loved? I keep reassuring her, but I don’t know what else to do.

A. Men and women express and receive love differently. In fact, if you took 10 emotional needs and ranked them, on average a woman’s five top needs would be different than a man’s top five needs. A wife feels loved when her husband makes deposits in her “love bank” by meeting her emotional needs. How do you do that? First, understand what her emotional needs are and how she’s different. The needs below will give you some insights into what your wife needs from you.

Affection

The first emotional need a woman cannot do without is affection. Affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. So how do you show affection? Begin with a hug. Don’t confuse affection with sexual intimacy. When it comes to affection and a sexual relationship, you can’t have one without the other. And remember, most of the affection women give and receive is not intended to be sexual. Affection is the atmosphere of the marriage; sex is an event. Tell her you love her and that she looks good. Send her cards and flowers. Take her on a date for dinner. Take time to call her during the day just to see how she’s doing. Be sentimental, not practical. Learn to shop for her.

Communication

Few men complain, “My wife isn’t talking to me.” But quite often women bemoan the fact that their husbands don’t talk much to them. A woman feels close to the person she talks to.

Think back to how much time you and your wife spent talking when you were dating. How much time do you talk together now? Ask your wife what she’s thinking and feeling. Share the high and low from the day. She needs you to listen, not solve her dilemmas. Be involved in each other’s interests. Phil and I often arrange for our spheres of influence and ministry to overlap so we can work together and talk about them. That’s not to say we’re “pea soup,” because we do have our different interests, but we can be “peas in the same pod” at times. It’s easy to spend all your time on surface or maintenance talk, especially if you have children. Sometimes we have to set kid topics aside to focus on ourselves. That’s not being selfish; your children need you to have a healthy marriage.

Honesty and Openness

Without honesty, trust is undermined and security will be destroyed. You and your spouse should know each other better than anyone else. If you (or your wife) aren’t completely honest about your feelings, your response won’t hit the target satisfactorily. Often husbands are less than honest because they want to protect their wives, but they are guilty of the worst sort of chauvinism. Little white lies will quickly bankrupt a love bank. Keeping the truth hidden has no place in the husband-wife relationship. Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy, and it helps your wife to feel loved.

Financial Support

A woman wants her husband to have a job that provides well enough for the family so they can live comfortably. Being a wife and a mom is a right and a privilege, just like having a career. Often women resent having to work; they prefer having a choice in the matter. She looks to you for guidance in financial matters; a budget is a necessary good.

Family Commitment

Your wife needs you to be committed to her and to your family. Most women have a deep longing to create a family, and they want their husbands to take a leadership role. It’s important to commit yourself to the moral and educational development of your children. Fathers have a profound influence on their children, so it’s crucial that you spend time with them. She’s watching how you treat them. Be involved in their activities and share their interests. Is your discipline fair and consistent? Often a wife feels empathy with the children when you discipline them. Never take away basic rights or dignity. The best husband is a good father, and being a good father takes commitment.

By consistently focusing on your wife’s needs and making deposits in her “love bank,” soon your wife will feel your love because your actions will affirm your words. Philippians 4:19 reminds us that God is concerned about meeting our needs. Keep that thought in mind as you show more concern for what your wife needs. And as you concentrate on your wife’s needs, we believe you will see her reciprocate by giving more attention to your needs. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8121 Hamilton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45231, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

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