Q. My husband pointed out to me that I’ve been more negative toward our kids lately. As much as I want to say something positive, sometimes I honestly can’t think of anything. Disregarding curfew and shoddy vacuuming aren’t at the top of my list of things to praise my kids for.

A. It’s easy to applaud a child when she brings home straight A’s and does whatever you ask with a smile. While there are times when our kids stand out, there are also moments when they fall short. Our children—like us—still need to be accepted and affirmed despite their shortcomings.

How can we create a climate of acceptance and affirmation when our children don’t always seem praiseworthy? We can start by looking at the example set by God. In Romans 5:8 we read the words, “While we were still sinners.” God sent Jesus Christ to die for us not because we were good enough, but because he loved us no matter what. Whenever you feel uncertain about God’s love, remember that he loved you even before you turned to him. If God loved us when we were rebellious, we can surely strive to love our children in the same way. When our child isn’t doing well or has a poor attitude, we can still let her know that she’s valuable in our eyes and in God’s. Below are some ideas to help you put this type of love at the center of your parenting.

Be Positive

Researcher John Gottman found that in successful marriages, spouses engage in at least five times more positive interaction than negative interaction. We shouldn’t eliminate the negative entirely, but we must find a healthy balance. The healthiest ratio according to Gottman is five to one, or five times more positive than negative. We think the same principle should be applied to interactions between parents and children. As parents, it’s important to recognize the power of being positive toward our children. Even though we know we should be generous with our praise, it’s easy to get caught up in the little things our kids do wrong and then fail to notice the things they do right. That’s when we need to refocus on the positive. In Philippians 4:8 Paul speaks to this tendency when he encourages us to dwell on the best, not the worst.

Be Specific

“Be more specific” is a phrase that English teachers (like Bev) are noted for using quite often. Phrases like “good job” or “nice going” are fine, but they have limited impact because they’re too vague. Specific communication is more effective. As you begin to dwell more on the positive behavior of your kids, offer praise that’s more specific. Not only will your child feel encouraged, he’ll also understand what he did well and will be more likely to repeat the behavior.

Look Beneath the Surface

Most parents tend to focus on the outward behavior of their kids, good and bad. But it’s just as important to look beneath their behavior and see their inner character. Let’s say your son arrives home 20 minutes past his curfew. But he waited to get a ride home with a friend who wasn’t drinking instead of taking a ride with the teen who had. Although you still need to enforce the curfew (and talk more about drinking), remember to commend your child for his far-sighted decision not to drink and not to get into a vehicle with someone who had been. Whenever you address your child’s behavior, ask yourself, “Is there something beneath the behavior that I can affirm?”

Leave an Impression

When you praise your kids, it’s not the words that mean the most. What’s even more important is the lasting impression you’re creating on your children’s lives. Knowing you accept them and think they’re great will carry them through tough times, loneliness, discouragement, and failure. Someone once said, “They may not remember what you said, but they’ll always remember how you made them feel.” Author and speaker Dr. Howard Hendricks says, “When a child lives with parents who believe in her, she instinctively holds a higher view of herself.”

We parents are trying to raise positive kids in this negative world. It’s vital that we remain as optimistic as we can. Even parents who try to follow these guidelines will blow it now and then. That’s when you need to read again Peter’s words in 1 Peter 4:8. Take note that these are the words of a committed follower of Jesus who failed miserably on more than one occasion. Out of Peter’s failure he learned that “love makes up for practically anything.” Jesus left Peter with the impression that he was accepted and affirmed no matter what. Ask God to help you leave this type of positive impression on your kids. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8121 Hamilton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45231, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 8, 2009 - Replacing anger with empathy
October 25, 2009 - Laying the right foundation
October 11, 2009 - Parenting without fear
September 27, 2009 - Mentoring the motherless
September 13, 2009 - Sharing family stories
August 30, 2009 - Parenting solo
August 16, 2009 - Surviving junior high
August 2, 2009 - Healthy boundaries at home
July 19, 2009 - Parenting curriculum
July 5, 2009 - Job loss and your family
June 21, 2009 - Winning dads
June 7, 2009 - Benefits of marriage
May 24, 2009 - Love at a distance
May 10, 2009 - Mother and daughter conflicts
April 26, 2009 - Caring at a distance
April 12, 2009 - Teaching children about God
March 29, 2009 - Family meal time
March 15, 2009 - Giving an allowance
March 1, 2009 - Growing children spiritually
February 15, 2009 - Reduce your stress level
February 1, 2009 - Pitfalls in parenting teens
January 18, 2009 - Vital signs of healthy families
January 4, 2009 - Life after divorce
December 21, 2008 - Santa and Christmas
December 7, 2008 - Raising spiritual champions
November 23, 2008 - Family traditions
November 9, 2008 - Parenting after divorce
October 26, 2008 - Feeling like a failure
October 12, 2008 - How to save your marriage
September 28, 2008 - Rolling with the changes
September 14, 2008 - Teens need boundaries
August 31, 2008 - To separate or not
August 17, 2008 - Teen drivers
August 3, 2008 - Adoption worked for our family
July 20, 2008 - Parenting curriculum
July 6, 2008 - Tips for new parents
June 22, 2008 - The swivel door
May 25, 2008 - Expectations in marriage
May 25, 2008 - Helping our children become decision makers
May 11, 2008 - God’s plan for sexual purity
April 27, 2008 - Families and forgiveness
April 13, 2008 - Expressing thanks
March 30, 2008 - Love languages
March 18, 2008 - Cultivate commitment
March 2, 2008 - Teaching children about money
February 17, 2008 - Reclaim your family time
February 3, 2008 - Keeping the peace
January 20, 2008 - A preacher’s wife
January 6, 2008 - Passing on your faith
December 23, 2007 - Self-worth in children
December 9, 2007 - Forgiveness in the family
November 25, 2007 - Santa Claus is coming to town
November 11, 2007 - Parents under stress
October 28, 2007 - A more satisfying marriage
October 14, 2007 - Codependency
September 16, 2007 - Rewards and motivation
September 2, 2007 - Improving your child’s work ethic
August 19, 2007 - Teaming with teachers for success
August 5, 2007 - Communicating with your teen
July 22, 2007 - Childhood trauma
July 8, 2007 - Delegation and responsibility
June 24, 2007 - Learning to say no
June 10, 2007 - Teaching children about money
May 27, 2007 - When children rebel
May 13, 2007 - Mom’s wisdom
April 29, 2007 - 10 tips for parenting teenagers
April 15, 2007 - Making marital intimacy a priority
April 1, 2007 - Kids need time to play
March 18, 2007 - When you need counseling
March 4, 2007 - Bouncing back
February 18, 2007 - Narrowing your focus
February 4, 2007 - Choose your battles carefully
January 21, 2007 - New parents
January 7, 2007 - Parenting pointers
December 3, 2006 - Knowing a woman’s heart
November 19, 2006 - On a more positive path
November 5, 2006 - Putting household chores in a positive light
October 22, 2006 - Finding significance
October 8, 2006 - Secrets of a healthy family
September 24, 2006 - Confronting elder abuse
September 10, 2006 - Parenting grandchildren
August 27, 2006 - Teaching our children right from wrong
August 13, 2006 - Letting go of adult children
July 30, 2006 - Solving your solvable problem