Why does everything have to be such a fight? It seems that I’m in a battle with one of my kids all the time. It’s wearing me out.

It sounds like you have battle fatigue. If this is the case in your home, there are measures you can take to recover your energy. A good place to start is to ask yourself a strategic question when you see the battle lines forming: Is this battle worth fighting?

Pick Your Battles

In most homes there are certain nonnegotiable issues. Family values are one of those in Christian homes. A value in our family is that we treat other people the way we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). Physical safety is another nonnegotiable. Beyond these fixed issues, try to allow your children to negotiate to a certain extent. It may take considerable practice before you and your children can distinguish negotiable issues from nonnegotiable ones.

Author Ross Greene in his book, The Explosive Child (HarperCollins, 2005), provides some help with figuring out which battles to choose and which ones to let go. He recommends using three baskets: one for things that are truly nonnegotiable, one for things that are important but allow for some compromise, and one for things that just aren’t important enough to make a scene over. The first basket should be the smallest, and the last the largest. Now think of the things you are fighting with your child over. Could any of them be tossed into the second or third baskets?

Why Battles Happen

Due to their temperament, some kids are more determined to grab control and therefore more likely to end up in battles with their parents. These are the kids who are much more challenging to parents. When you’re dealing with challenging or strong willed children, keep in mind that they are the future principals of our schools and CEOs in the business world!

Age is another factor. Most kids, even those with less assertive personalities, are likely to engage in power struggles when they enter a stage of development that makes them seek more self-control. The most common stages for seeking self-control are during the twos and the teens.

And then there are those power struggles that arise from specific situations. When a child is stressed, tired, or hungry, emotions may escalate until they’re out of control and a battle ensues. It’s helpful if you can look below the frustration over fighting and figure out what’s really fueling the battle. Don’t overlook the possibility that the battle can also be about you. If we’re honest, we will admit that it’s not always the child’s behavior that is at issue; it may be our concern about what others think.

Consider Your Choices

You have at least three choices in dealing with power struggles with your children: you can back off, lay down the law, or give choices. You’ll need the wisdom of Solomon to figure out which one to engage in.

Backing off is the smartest choice when the control your child wants is age appropriate and ultimately doesn’t matter. Reminding yourself that the day is coming when your child will have all the control should help you step away from some fights before they happen. It also makes sense to back off over issues you know you can’t win, like forcing your child to go to sleep.

Laying down the law is a second choice. Insisting that your child follow your orders will work only if you are consistent. Your child needs to know the outcome will be the same every time, even when it is inconvenient for you. If your child has to play by the rule, so do you. And when you draw the line, make sure you don’t get lured into a lengthy debate about your decision.

Giving choices is another way of dealing with a struggle. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, give your child choices you can live with. Instead of ordering, “Do your homework right now,” try giving a choice by saying something like, “You can go out and play (pause), as soon as your homework is done.” The latter is more likely to cause your child to think about which choice is best for him or her rather than fight with you. So the next time you see a battle coming, press pause and consider which resolution tactic—backing off, laying down the law, or giving choices—you’re going to take.

Our concern with constant fighting is the damage it can inflict upon your relationship with your children. Parents who demand unquestioned obedience and rule with an iron hand often pay a high price for their children’s complete compliance. That price is often a broken relationship. Proverbs 3:4, 5 says not to lean on our own understanding, but to trust in God. Consider the measures we’ve mentioned above, but most of all consult the God who created you and your children and wants the best for your family. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8121 Hamilton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45231, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

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