Our family has been through some hard times lately. There have been financial and health issues. At times I feel like we are barely surviving. What can we do so that we that we don’t just “get through them” but can be back to our old selves?

What you’re describing is the capability to be resilient or “bounce back” from adverse conditions. And, yes, families can bounce back from all sorts of crises that life will hand us.

Those who study resiliency often define it as “bouncing back from problems with more power and more smarts.” We can do more than just get through tough times; we can learn from our experiences and become stronger. Or, as the saying goes, we can become better, not bitter; the choice is ours. We cannot choose what life will bring us, but we can choose how we will respond to life’s circumstances. So how do we become stronger and smarter?

Traits of Resiliency

It is possible to develop the traits that are necessary to thrive in challenging, changing times. We’ve adapted some helpful tips from Laurie Kramer, University of Illinois professor of applied family studies, for building resiliency into your family.

Talk (and listen) to each other. Don’t keep secrets during a time of crisis. By talking openly and honestly, everyone knows what’s at stake, and all have an opportunity to invest in a solution. By listening, as hearts and minds are more open, stress will lessen. By talking less and listening more, you’ll be able to understand core issues of concern. James 1:19 tells us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” You don’t need a special time to listen, but don’t miss the opportunities at the dinner table or travel times in the car. When Bev’s dad was critically ill, it was hard to talk about the “what if” questions, but by tackling them, we were better equipped to face the inevitable.

Spend time together. Research shows the importance of routine in family relationships. When there’s a crisis, the family schedule often gets splintered, so you’ll have to make an extra effort to keep some rituals intact. Spend time in a few simple activities that are fun—laugh together and allow humor to provide a much needed break from the stress. Time together will keep your family strong and allow you to lean on one another when the tough times hit.

Maintain physical health. By taking care of your family’s physical health through proper nutrition and exercise, you actually promote recovery. Physical activity reduces the stress reactions associated with traumatic events and relieves the immediate symptoms of stress. You must also get adequate sleep and maintain a regular sleep schedule as much as possible.

View your problems as solvable. Whatever your family is facing, it is not something unique; other families have survived similar situations. Remember how you solved previous problems and see if there are strategies you can relate to this situation. However, if you need additional help, don’t hesitate to seek it from a counselor or another helper. Keep your focus on the fact that you will survive this situation. Resist the temptation to waste time by rehearsing and replaying how unfair or tough the situation is. With some issues, there is nothing “fair” about what is happening to your family, so acceptance is the healthy path.

Build a strong support system. Don’t depend on your own resources alone. Allow friends and other family members to lend a helping hand. Knowing that people care and are praying for you can make a positive difference in your perspective. Often Christians find it hard to accept help from others; be gracious and let them minister to you. Realize that your support system may need to involve professional support. You wouldn’t hesitate to call a physician for medical concerns, so access other professionals with their expertise too.

Stay focused and be forgiving. When life gets tough, often we lash out at those closest to us and conflict becomes salt on an open wound. Frustration is inevitable, so remain calm and develop patience and tolerance. During a crisis, people can’t remember or do everything they would like. Forgiving yourself and expressing forgiveness to others is a needed trait for resiliency.

In the recent movie inspired by a true story, The Pursuit of Happyness, Chris Gardner had every reason to give up and curse his circumstances as he faced being dumped by his wife and the daunting task of being his young son’s sole guardian in San Francisco in the early 1980s. Instead, he chose to pursue happiness by never giving up hope and persistently working toward his goal. Even being homeless and jobless didn’t stop Gardner from reaching toward a better future. Today he’s a multi-millionaire and a passionate philanthropist. The movie is a reminder to turn a deaf ear to those who tell you it can’t be done.

Whatever your situation, you can survive and thrive. There’s no magic solution to make life’s difficulties or financial burdens go away, but with God’s strength, it can be done and you can do it! (Read Philippians 4:13.) |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8121 Hamilton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45231, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

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