Home Life

Q. We’ve been married almost six years. From careers to kids it seems there’s no shortage of factors sidetracking our physical intimacy. What can we do to keep the passion alive in our relationship?

A. Rick and Kay Warren say, “In our sex-obsessed culture, it is amazing how few husbands and wives actually talk to each other about their sexual feelings, frustrations, and fears.” Most of us would agree that two of the hardest things for couples to talk about are death and sex (not taxes). We’ve talked about death, so now it’s time to talk about the other one!

Years ago when newspaper columnist Ann Landers asked her married readers, “Has your sex life gone downhill since you got married?” 82 percent of the 141,210 people who responded said yes. When a young couple begin their life together as husband and wife, they typically take the physical aspect of their relationship for granted. After all they’re young, they’re in love, and they’re married. Isn’t that the commonly held recipe for passionate physical intimacy? In reality, experts tell us the more accurate reasons for a lack of satisfaction in this area have nothing to do with age or physical fitness and everything to do with how much work a couple is willing to put into their marriage.

Principles from the Penners

Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner are two of the most knowledgeable people in the field of sex education. Many Christian couples have read their guide for newlywed couples, Getting Your Sex Life off to a Great Start (Thomas Nelson, 1994). Dr. Penner is a clinical psychologist. His wife Joyce is a registered nurse. The Penners point out that “a vibrant intimate relationship requires work and that work can lead a couple to a lifetime of passion.” The following list of working principles is adapted from the Penner’s book, The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment (Thomas Nelson, 1982).

Working at Marital Intimacy

Remember that sexuality is a gift from God. Our sexuality is part of God’s plan for his creation. God made us male and female. Our sexuality as husbands and wives has been wired-in by God. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Sexual pleasure within marriage is encouraged and expected. Sex was created by God for the enjoyment of a man and woman in marriage. If your times of physical intimacy are infrequent and unsatisfactory, take the steps necessary to find out what’s not working for both of you. This part of your marriage is too important a measure of your connectedness to ignore if there’s a problem. According to the Bible, sex is for unity, procreation, and pleasure, so enjoy it!

Keep mutuality at the center of your sexuality. We’re expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage; this is a mutual command. Dr. Jim Burns notes that each passage in the New Testament that teaches about the husband-wife sexual relationship either begins or ends with a command for mutuality. Not only are husband and wife equal in God’s sight; they have mutual rights and responsibilities.

Allow for regular couple time. This may sound basic, but one of the best ways to get “in the mood” for physical intimacy is to spend time with your spouse. This isn’t always easy with the demands of career, kids, and church. Couples need regularly scheduled “us time,” so make couple time a priority.

Conserve energy. This does not refer to using less electricity in the home. If all of your energy is being spent on building a new business, taking care of the kids, serving the church, or any other worthwhile but time-consuming activity, your sex life may suffer as a result. Save your strength—your spouse will thank you for it.

Diminish distractions. The high-speed pace of modern life doesn’t always make this an easy principle to follow. Few of us can multi-task well, and the more you have on your plate, the less interested you’ll be in physical intimacy with your spouse. Work to eliminate stress and distractions in your home, and your sex life has a much better chance of improving.

The desired physical intimacy in your marriage will perk up as you consider each of these principles, so start talking and get to work. Make some changes and enjoy the relationship God intended for you to have. Solomon’s wise words in Proverbs 5:18 advise us to “Enjoy the wife [husband] you married as a young man [woman]” (The Message). |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.