Home Life

Q. My mom died when I was very young, and my dad did a great job as a single parent. He continues to be a vital part of my life. But I’ve often wondered what I missed by not having a mother’s influence in my life. Now I’m expecting my first child, and I’m curious. What do your readers value most from their mothers?

It sounds like you were indeed blessed to be raised and nurtured by a loving father who was both dad and mom to you. We have a strong hunch that what you value from your dad are the same things our readers value from their mothers. After all, it’s not the gender or the age of the caregiver, but the amount of love and energy given to the child. So what values do we remember from our childhood years? In talking with others, here’s what we hear repeatedly.

Thinking Clearly

Regardless of the circumstances of life, there’s always a positive choice you can make. Wise mothers teach their children not to be dependent on others; instead, they learn to recognize and use resources to solve all kinds of problems. Our emerging adult son, Brian, recently thanked his mom for teaching him to think for himself. When he finds himself in a situation he doesn’t particularly like, Brian realizes he’s not stuck. He can choose to change it. He knows he will probably have to work hard to find his way, but he knows there is a way, and eventually he will find it.

Positive Attitude

Avoid a “poor me” or victim attitude. Instead, have compassion toward those who are truly suffering and help them. There is a purpose in life, and successful children learn to find it. While moms do empathize with the difficulties faced by their children, they encourage them to “buck up” and make the best of it.

Experience and Consequences

Moms know their children will make mistakes, and adults remember those life lessons where experience was the best teacher. We parents want to rescue our children (and children often want to be rescued by mom writing that paper or doing an assignment), but learning from mistakes really is the best teacher. We remember the consequences our moms allowed us to experience rather than stepping in to prevent them.

Special Moments Together

Some of the adults we surveyed remembered elaborate vacations; others reminisced about quiet walks and sitting on the porch. It wasn’t the “what”; it was the time together. The adults could vividly recall those times when it was just child and mom with no interruptions.

Honesty

Those who had good relationships with their mothers stressed that their relationships were built on honesty. Hard questions could be asked and open answers were given. Sometimes that’s very difficult, especially in the area of sex. Communication was a dialogue and involved listening, not just a one-way lecture. The moms did more listening than talking.

Love and Acceptance

Children are not a copy of their parents (although genetics may tell a different story). Moms need to accept and love their children as individuals and not make them into someone else. There’s a thin line between wanting the best for a child and pushing a child into being someone he isn’t. For example, my (Bev’s) mom prefers being outside and doesn’t like to read, but I am an English teacher and I read constantly. We could have battled over that difference, or she could accept my uniqueness. A mom’s love gets a child through many tough spots, and that love also carries her through the many mistakes she will make with her children.

Unselfish Service

Only after becoming a parent did I (Bev) begin to understand the sacrifices my mother made; now I appreciate her more because I know she gave up time, sleep, and money for me. A mom serves as cook, housekeeper, doctor, lawyer, counselor, purchasing agent, negotiator, and financier without thought of personal gain. Our moms serve us sacrificially.

Demonstrative Faith

Many Christian women recalled mothers who lived their faith on a daily basis. Some mothers served in leadership roles, but many quietly worked behind the scenes and modeled the Scripture they read. Whether it was a Bible story read at night, prayers offered while kneeling beside a bed, or serving together in ministry, the moms shared their faith.

While this article has focused on what children value from their mothers, please realize this list isn’t exclusive for mothers. In fact, a child’s caregiver—father, mother, grandparent, or some other adult—has a tremendous responsibility. Whatever that adult values will be passed on to the child. My (Bev’s) mother shaped me into the person I am today, but I was also influenced by my dad and grandparents; their lives are also imprinted on my life. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, https://lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.