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Our first teen went through adolescence fairly easily, but that has not been the case with our second child. Everything is a battle. Do you have any insights into how to deal with teenage rebellion?

Rebellion can be defined as “resistance to or defiance of authority.” Rebellion toward parental authority is commonly linked with adolescence. Indeed, most teenagers go through periods where they exhibit symptoms of resistance or defiance toward their parents. Even the best-behaved child will test the limits and even cross the line drawn by parents at some point. Keep in mind that adolescent rebellion often stems from the desire for independence. Believe it or not, a mild form of rebellion can be a necessary and even helpful part of your teen’s transition from childhood dependence to adult independence. Normal rebellion needs to be understood as the natural desire to grow.

Every parent would like to sidestep all teenage rebellion if possible (and for good reason). After all, who wants to see their kids make wayward choices and get themselves into trouble? Becoming an adult includes beginning to make decisions for oneself. Because the teen is inexperienced, this will inevitably lead to mistakes, but that’s okay. Failure plays a critical role in the growing process.

Two of the leading experts on parenting kids through rebellion are Dr. Tim Kimmel and Dr. Norm Wright. Both have written useful books on the subject. We have pulled information from Kimmel’s book, Why Christian Kids Rebel (W Publishing, 2004), and Wright’s book, Loving a Prodigal (Cook Communications, 2001), to provide you with some helpful insights into how parents can meet the challenge when their children rebel.

Grieve the loss.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss you may be experiencing. Your family is not turning out exactly the way you hoped it would and that leads to feelings of guilt, anger, and doubt. Those emotions have to be dealt with in order for a family to stay healthy and cope with a rebelling teen.

Maintain a relationship.

Don’t cut your teen off. Show your unconditional love for him or her. That doesn’t mean you accept what he’s doing. It does mean that you value him apart from what he does and love him as a person God created and placed in your family.

Take the first step.

Even though you likely have experienced pain, insult, or embarrassment due to your child’s behavior, don’t wait for your rebellious son or daughter to come to you. You are the parent—the adult—in the relationship, so it’s your responsibility to reach out first.

Empathize with the pain your child is experiencing.

It’s not unusual for parents to focus on their own pain when their child rebels, particularly when the child is responsible for inflicting the pain they feel. But parents ought to look beyond themselves to their child’s pain.

Own up to your part in the problem.

We all make mistakes. There are no perfect parents. Like it or not, parents with a rebellious child have had a hand in influencing their child. When parents own up to their role in the child’s rebellion, it disarms the child from being able to constantly hold the parents’ “wrongdoing” against them as the reason for the rebellion.

Look for help.

Look first to God. Take your rebellious teen before the Lord in prayer and ask God for his wisdom and perspective regarding our child. Pray all the time (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Ask God to use the people and circumstances in your child’s life to help turn him or her around.

Norm and Joyce Wright shared how they prayed that, since their daughter Sheryl wouldn’t listen to them, God would connect her with people she would listen to. And that’s what happened. God used a friend of Sheryl’s to get her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting where she finally saw she had a problem. Relinquishing control to God should be the first thing we do, but many parents will exhaust all their own resources before turning to God.

Next, look for a support group. When parents withdraw into themselves, the only people they’re talking to are each other, and they aren’t experts. They’re people in pain who need support.

The opposite of rebellion would be the desire to remain at home and refuse to take responsibility for life. Although this might make the teen years easier to handle for you as a parent, it is not what you want for your child. Your ultimate goal is to release your child to live his own life in a responsible manner. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.