Home Life

I’ve over compensated as a single parent, but now I’m afraid I’ve created a monster by spoiling my teenage daughter. I’ve told her “yes” and made excuses so much that now when I say “no,” it’s a disaster. The consequences of her behavior are becoming a problem and I keep having to intervene. She’s demanding, rude, and causing me financial distress. How do I begin to correct this mess and get through the continual conflicts?

A child’s world has been compared to a darkened room. She sees only what’s immediately around her and she’s completely unaware of anyone or anything else that might be in the room. While egocentrism is a stage of development, children need to have the light turned on so they can see that the room (and the world) is bigger than she. Your daughter needs to move through this stage.

Part of our role in parenting is to prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world. It’s unrealistic for your daughter to believe that “yes” will be the world’s response to her every demand. So, where do you begin? Get ready to hold the line because it’s not going to be easy. We’ve heard it said that for every year of mistaken behavior, it takes approximately one month to correct it. This is going to be a learning experience for you and your daughter.

Control and Consequences

Struggles during the teen years often involve control. Parents have it (or hold on to it); children want more of it. Clashes are inevitable. Your daughter wants to make decisions on her own, but for every decision there is a consequence. Allow your daughter to make choices whenever possible, but allow her to accept the consequences. You do not have to intervene. If she never faces the consequences, she misses the learning opportunity. As a junior high teacher, I (Bev) have seen the negative results of frequent parental interference in student consequences. If, however, the consequences could be life changing or threaten her safety, then you should intervene.

For example, if one source of conflict involves school, explain to your daughter that school is her job and you expect her to do that job to the best of her abilities. If she fails to meet those obligations, chances are you will be reluctant to grant her more freedom. Do not intervene at school and ask that her lack of work be excused. If the conflict involves her curfew, talk about what’s reasonable. Let her explain her side. Listen, but make the final decision.

Be consistent with consequences. Your daughter will be able to sense any weakness and go straight for it. Perhaps she doesn’t come home on time Friday night. What happens next? A logical consequence is that she no longer has the keys to drive on Saturday night. She didn’t act responsibly, so she forfeits the right to drive for awhile.

Don’t Get Side-Tracked

Teenagers are master negotiators and artful at diversion. When your daughter attempts to side-track you and accuses you of being unfair, stay calm. Give empathy. (“I know it’s not fun to stay home tonight when the rest of your friends are out.”) Don’t lecture or the lesson will be lost. Your daughter is smart and she will quickly learn what’s appropriate behavior. Let her solve her own problems. There’s no need for you to find a solution she already knows. And, if you must speak, just repeat your request or empathetic words.

Having Your Own Life

Give yourself permission to make mistakes and forgive the mistakes you have made. Speak honestly with your daughter and explain that you want to improve your relationship and work through the conflict. Do not parent your daughter out of fear—fear of her tantrums. Focusing on your heavenly Father’s love for you will help quiet your fears and give you confidence (1 John 4:18). Decide what your non-negotiable items are; other areas are just your preferences. Then when you say “no,” it will carry more weight.

Regarding the financial stress she’s creating for you, remember that you are providing her a safe home with food and shelter; you are not obligated to provide for all her financial and social desires. Parents often give their children a clothing and entertainment budget; if a child wants more money, he can find a part-time job.

Once this mistaken behavior cycle is broken, your daughter will begin to have a better attitude, but it will take time. Not only will your daughter have less conflict with you, she will get along better with her peers and other adults in her life. And you will be able to enjoy your relationship with your daughter. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.