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Our frustration level increases when we hand over a task to our son because he consistently doesn’t do it the right way. How can we get our son to be more responsible with the tasks we give him?

According to Dr. Jim Burns, “99 times out of 100, our kids don’t learn how to do something ‘right’ because we—their parents—don’t take the time to teach them how.” We’re not trying to place blame with this quote; we are merely directing you toward what we think will help reduce your frustration. Consider this familiar and proven four-step plan for teaching kids to do something the way we want them to.

Four Steps of Delegation

I do it and you observe. The first step is when you demonstrate the task and communicate what you want your son to know about the task you are handing over. Talk through the task as you do it. For example, if you want the paint to be rolled in different directions when first applied and then rolled from ceiling to floor to smooth out the surface, make sure you say so. Take time to answer any questions your son has and provide a concise explanation as well as a clear demonstration. Don’t overdo this step with teenagers. They may not need to hear it as many times as you say it.

I do it and then you do it. The second step involves some demonstration, followed by supervised performance of the task by your child. Be patient and supportive. Provide encouragement for what he is doing correctly and gentle redirection where more input is necessary. Remember, we all need time to learn correct methods and to meet someone else’s expectations. For example, if you have developed a special waxing technique that works best for a shiny car, be patient with your son. Don’t forget it probably took you more than a few wax jobs to develop your technique. Make sure you affirm your child as his skills and efforts improve—even if the results are less than what you desire.

You do it and I support. Take a few steps back and let your child perform the task. Don’t walk away yet; continue to check on your child from time to time to see how the task is progressing. He may still need your support, encouragement, further instructions, or even correction. This is a time to remain calm and keep affirming honest effort. Parallel parking, for example, can take a long time to learn. (Some of us adults have never gotten it right!) Be aware that this stage, depending on the skills involved or the responsibilities required, may take the longest period of time to work through.

It’s all yours! When you’ve seen that your child can perform the task to meet reasonable expectations, you can remove yourself from the task. Notice we said reasonable expectations. Our rule of thumb is if someone else can do the task at least 75 percent as well as we could, then it’s time to hand it over! This doesn’t mean there will never be an occasion for you to check back in with your child regarding the task. From time to time, kids will be kids and the task may not be completed as needed.

If you’ve followed this learning process with your child, you shouldn’t have to pay much attention to the task involved. You might even start planning the next task to teach your son. Continue to affirm what he is doing right and encourage your son for his willingness to step up and take on these tasks. Children need to know they are appreciated. On at least two occasions Jesus heard his Father say, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17; 17:5). Let your son know when you are pleased and make sure you acknowledge improvement, not perfection.

A Word or Two About Responsibility

All parents face essentially the same challenge: raising children who are responsible and who have their heads on straight. But we can’t tell our kids to be responsible and expect it to happen automatically. It doesn’t work that way.

Responsibility cannot be taught; it must be caught. To help our children become more responsible, we must offer them opportunities to be responsible. That’s where the four steps of delegation come in. As a parent, you’ll need to be involved with your son, using good judgment as to when he is ready for the task given and the next level of responsibility. Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem, a prerequisite for achievement in the real world. As our children’s self-esteem and self-confidence grow, they will be better able to make it once we step away. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.