Home Life

In light of recent school shootings and talk about violence, my elementary school aged daughter experienced anxiety at school. Now she’s hesitant about being away from me in large group settings. Already she’s expressing fear about returning to school in the fall. What do I say to her?

We can sympathize with your daughter. As adults, we’ve had our moments of terror and fear after major acts of violence in Oklahoma City (1995), the shootings at Columbine High School (1999), and the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. This exposure to violence leads to raw emotions and a range of reactions for adults and children. Sometimes the responses are immediate and short lived; other times they may linger.

Reactions to Trauma

Children six to 11 years old may respond to trauma by displaying extreme withdrawal, disruptive behavior, or inability to pay attention. Regressive behaviors, nightmares, sleep problems, irrational fears, irritability, refusal to attend school, outbursts of anger, and fighting are also common in traumatized children of this age. Also the child may complain of stomach aches or other bodily symptoms that have no medical basis. Schoolwork often suffers. Depression, anxiety, feelings of guilt and emotional numbing or “flatness” may be present as well.

Helping Your Child Cope

Talk to your daughter and let her express her fears. Explain the act of violence in terms that are age appropriate. It’s sometimes difficult to find the balance between too much and not enough information. Perhaps she’s overheard partial or incorrect information and pieced together a worse scenario. When discussing traumatic events with younger children, the amount of information shared should be limited to basic facts and necessary details. Use words meaningful to them (not words like sniper, massacre, and so on). Share with them that some bad people have used violence to hurt innocent people.

Listen without passing judgment. Assure her that you, the school, your friends, and your community are focused on safety. Talk about people who are dedicated to protecting them like police officers, teachers and other school officials, neighbors, and concerned adults throughout the community. Let her walk through the school with the principal or counselor to help point out how safe the school is.

Do not criticize regressive behavior or shame her for acting “babyish.” Let her know that it’s normal to feel upset when someone gets hurt or something bad happens. Give her a hug and let her know it makes you sad too, but you believe your family is safe. She may need some extra comfort for awhile.

Continue to reassure her of your love and God’s. Memorize a comforting Scripture together like 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” If she asks “Why?” you need honestly to say you’re trusting God even when you don’t have all the answers. Explain what you can. Reassure her of God’s love and protection. The people were not hurt because they did something wrong. If she asks “Could it happen here?” assure her that she is in a safe place and everyone works together to keep it safe.

Put your explanations in terms of probability she can understand. For example, for a seven year old who is afraid someone is going to come into her school, you can say, “Will an elephant walk into the living room? Probably not, right?” Or, you can say, “You fell off your bike last week, and that was a bad thing. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ride your bike. Well, it’s the same thing with school. Sure, sometimes planes crash (or evil people enter a school). But most planes take off and land safely, and most students are safe at school.”

Limit the exposure your daughter has to violent or traumatic stimuli and create a place of safety for her. Much of what young children see and hear is too much for them to process. If she hears panic and concern in your voice and conversation with others, she’s going to respond in a similar manner. Remember, she’s taking her cues from you and the other adults in her life. Kids learn from their parents how to handle the powerful emotion of fear.

Be optimistic about tomorrow and what you’re planning. What plans does she have? Encourage her return to the routine of her life and don’t hover. Your continual presence sends the message that it’s really not OK. Ease your daughter back into group activities and gradually extend the amount of time you are away from her. As she begins to feel safe and enjoy the activities with her peers, she’ll be less anxious when she’s away from you. If her anxiety persists, don’t hesitate to consult with your pediatrician. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.