Home Life

Communication with our daughter was much easier when she was younger. We need some ideas to jump-start our efforts to communicate more effectively with her now that she’s a teenager.

Jim Burns has said that there are about six different kinds of teenagers that could be living in your house. There’s Apathetic Andy—he’s lost interest in just about everything. Too-Cool Tara cannot be seen with mom and dad. Moody Mark is unpredictable. Always-Right Angie is constantly proving her point. Grunts-only Greg speaks in monosyllables. Grown-up Gertrude already considers herself an adult. Got the picture? Regardless of which teenager lives in your home, keeping the communication lines open with kids this age is not easy. With that in mind, here are a few ideas to get you headed in a positive direction.

Create a Setting that Encourages Communication

Good communication with your teen starts with assessing old patterns that may have to be altered to fit the growing needs and capabilities of your teen. Your teen, like all teens, is striving to gain her independence, yet still retain close ties to the family. Both positive and negative discussions with parents are part of this balancing act. Make sure your teen knows that you value her point of view and aren’t just trying to communicate your point of view.

Being available and accessible is essential to developing and maintaining good communication. However, finding time to communicate may prove to be a challenge in today’s overcommitted world. Actually, we doubt that you’ll find the time; you’ll need to make time every day to communicate with your teen. Look for a time to talk about the day. We have found that being around our kids and their friends in an unobtrusive way provides spontaneous openings for talking about what is happening in their lives. Believe it or not, your teen wants and needs a relationship with you.

Establish Effective Communication Guidelines

In addition to working on a positive environment, consider the following guidelines and how your family might apply them to develop more effective communication.

Be an active listener. When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we express ourselves. Speaking is certainly important, but listening is the most critical of all communication skills. James 1:19 reminds us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Your first priority is to listen with understanding, not make a judgment call. Stay focused on your daughter. One of the most helpful ways to encourage your teenager to listen to you is to listen to her. Show interest in her feelings and opinions, even when you disagree. This helps to build trust and mutual respect.

Know your teen and communicate accordingly. Personality (loyal golden retriever, busy beaver, dominant lion, or playful otter), learning style (auditory, visual, or kinesthetic), and love language (gifts, quality time, touch, acts of service, or words of affirmation) should all be taken into consideration when communicating with your teen.

Consider the timing and your approach for bringing up issues. Instead of thinking you know the best timing, ask your teen, “Is now a good time, or should we talk later?” Nothing very productive happens in communication when feelings are overriding thinking; this usually happens when our anger gets in the way. That might also mean everyone needs to take a time out when things get too heated to continue a productive conversation. Most parents make three fundamental mistakes when trying to communicate with their teens: they talk too much, they are too emotional, and they push too hard to talk when the teen is not responsive.

Limit lectures. Lectures are not very effective for improving your connection to your teenager. The next time you shift into this mode with your teenager, watch her closely. You’ll see the signs of someone disconnecting from the moment: eyes fixed in space and glazed over, fidgeting, or the opposite, complete stillness. In these moments, most teenagers either get angry or check out to another time and place—usually away from the person delivering the lecture. When you notice this happening with your teenager, your best bet is to stop talking. You are going nowhere fast. Better to cut your losses then and there and hope for a fresh start the next time around.

Keep your communication mostly positive. Communication experts tell us that 80 percent positive is a healthy balance. Remain mostly positive by staying solution focused instead of problem focused. Don’t get entangled in past mistakes. Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:8 to focus on the good instead of the bad. Staying positive will help keep the conversation constructive.

Creating a caring climate and following healthy guidelines will jump-start your efforts to establish positive communication. Someone once noted that there is not a generation gap between us and our teens, but there is a communication gap. We believe your family
can close that gap! |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.