Home Life

I’ve followed the “reward and punishment” approach with my child, but now he won’t behave unless he gets something from me. That’s not the result I expected. Now I feel like I’m bribing him to be good and I’m wondering where this will end.

You’re right! Continuing with this pattern of rewards will be dangerous—and costly. Extrinsic or external motivation is a product of the behaviorist point of view that says we can manipulate behavior by providing rewards and punishments. Dr. B. F. Skinner, famous research behaviorist, conducted many experiments that were designed to produce desired behaviors and eliminate undesirable behaviors. However, before his death, Skinner admitted it was foolish to believe human beings would consistently react the same as experimental animals.

Research is now showing that students who have been given external rewards—money, food, and so on—to produce desired behaviors will often have less drive to do something just for the joy of it or because it’s right. Alfie Kohn in his book Punished by Rewards (Houghton Mifflin Company, 1999), believes rewards tear down motivation. And, as you are realizing, for rewards to have an impact, they must escalate. Stickers and suckers will not work for a teenager!

You can break the pattern that’s been created, though.

God’s Perspective

In Matthew 6:3, 4 Jesus said, “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” We all know it’s easier to do what’s right when we receive recognition and a reward. So to be sure our motives are not selfish, Jesus counsels us to do our good deeds quietly or in secret and with no thought of reward. Rewards aren’t to be the reason for good behavior, but our celebration of joy with Christ and others is an unexpected outcome.

Reward or Celebrate

A reward has two characteristics: commercial value and expectation. In other words, there is a cost attached to it, and the child knows what to expect or what he will gain when a certain behavior is exhibited. For example, if you say, “If you stay in the grocery cart and don’t whine, I’ll get you an ice cream cone afterward,” your son knows his behavior is connected with the ice cream reward and there is a price tag or commercial value associated with it.

However, if you set the behavioral expectation before your son and he’s successful, you can surprise him and say, “You didn’t whine at all. I’m so proud of you. Let’s celebrate and get an ice cream cone.” That’s not a reward; it’s a celebration. It was an unexpected outcome even though there was still a cost associated with it. Or you could celebrate and say, “Give me a high five. You were such a cooperative boy at the grocery and helped me.” Be as specific as possible. A celebration could have a commercial value or it could be expected, but not both.

A distinction must be made between rewards and celebrations. Begin gradually weaning him off of them; skip rewards and start spacing them out and replacing them with verbal celebrations of praise.

It’s not that there is anything inherently wrong with a reward. After all, as adults, we work for paychecks and recognition. But the problem comes when an external reward is the only or primary factor for our effort or behavior. For example, Bev loves to teach and learn with her students and Phil loves to minister and serve in the local church. A paycheck is a nice reward. But, what if the paycheck was the only reason we went to work? We’ve all known people who work only for the paycheck. So let’s celebrate successes with our children when they do what’s right, not just reward them.

Incentives

With no commercial value, incentives prod and motivate us to perform better. Returning to the grocery store scenario, if your son loves to go to the park, his incentive for good behavior could be phrased, “Let’s finish quickly at the grocery store without whining and then we’ll have time to go play at the park.” He has a goal or something he’s looking forward to. But because there’s no monetary value, he’s not being paid to be good for you. With patience and consistency your son will begin to be motivated from within to do what’s right. And, with that, you’ll be training him in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6). |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.