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A friend suggested I might be codependent. What’s the difference between being a good Christian and being codependent?

Many Christians find themselves struggling with codepen-dency, as the church becomes a sanctuary to feed their addictive, compulsive behavior. Biblical principles that focus on serving others are manipulated to mask the insidious nature of the codependency.

At times codependent people try to stifle negative feelings about themselves by helping others in order to receive positive attention. Their motivation is primarily to meet their own needs, not the teachings of Jesus. Christian motivation is based on making a free choice to serve others with the focus on meeting the others’ needs.

Writer Terry Kellogg observes, “Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self” (Broken Toys Broken Dreams, BRAT Publishing, 1990).

Recognizing Codependency

Most psychologists define codependency as an inordinate and unhealthy compulsion to rescue and take care of people. This can occur in spousal relationships, friendships, parenting situations, and also in the work environment. Personally, I define codependency as allowing another person’s problems to control how you act, think, or feel. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

Symptoms of codependency include:

• Inability to know what “normal” is.

• Difficulty following through on a project.

• Difficulty having fun.

• Judging self and others without mercy.

• Low self-esteem often projected onto others. (Why don’t they get their act together?)

• Difficulty developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

• Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent’s emotions. (Codependents often use language like “you make me feel _____”, or “I was made to feel like____.”)

• Overreacting to change (or intense fear of change).

• Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding impulsively.

• Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having a compromised sense of self.

• Feelings of being different.

• Confusion and a sense of inadequacy.

• Being super responsible or super irresponsible (or alternating between these).

• Lack of self confidence or power in making decisions.

• Feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame that are denied.

• Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

• Fear of anger or bottling up anger until it explodes.

• Hypersensitivity to criticism.

• Addiction to excitement or drama (chaos making).

• Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

• Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

• Confusion between love and pity.

• Tendency to look for “victims” to help.

• Rigidity and need to control.

• Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

A Biblical Perspective

Jesus said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. . . . ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30, 31). We must develop a love of self before we can extend that type of love to others. This does not mean we are to become selfish, but that until we can provide for our own emotional needs, we cannot love with a servant’s heart as illustrated in the Bible. If we are unable to develop a healthy self-love, we become controlled by the behaviors of another.

The Bible says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. . . . for each one should carry his own load” (Galatians 6:2,5). We are to help people when they are in crisis, not handle their day-to-day responsibilities. If we do not allow others to learn through their mistakes and experiences, we are cheating them out of God’s gift to them.

A Question for You

If you struggle with codependency, ask yourself, “What benefit do I get from continuing this behavior?” If the answer is one that troubles you, consider attending a Twelve-Step recovery program and seeking release from the pain and bondage of codependency. Improve your life and your relationship with God and others. You need only God’s approval and he has already said you’re OK! |L

Pete Snyder is a licensed Clinical Social Worker. He and his wife have four children and live in Cleves, Ohio.

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.