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Our marriage seems to have fallen into the proverbial rut. We’re bored with each other and the routine of life. How can we build a more satisfying marriage?

Many couples settle for mediocrity in their marriage when they would never settle for average in other areas of their lives. Many people do not get married and live “happily ever after.”

Most spouses start out full of hope and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage work. Yet as the reality of living with a less-than-perfect spouse and the pressures of life set in, many individuals fall into the well-known rut you mentioned. We believe with hard work and determination, you can make your marriage more satisfying. What does it take to create a more satisfying marriage?

Extensive research indicates that most successful marriages share key characteristics, including high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love, and respect.

A Positive Approach

Consider the positive aspects of your marriage. Pay attention to Philippians 4:8 (The Message) and focus on “the best, not the worst.” What are you doing that works well and brings you and your spouse joy and happiness? John Gottman, one of the nation’s leading experts on marital relationships, has found that the main difference between stable and unstable marriages is the amount of positive thoughts and actions spouses engage in toward each other. Through careful observation of hundreds of couples, he has come to the conclusion that successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is too much negativity—criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges, and so on—the relationship will suffer. However, if there is never any negativity, it probably means frustrations and grievances are not getting airtime and unresolved tension is accumulating inside one or both partners. The key is balance between the two extremes. There are many ways to foster positivity in a marriage. Being affectionate, truly listening to each other, taking joy in each other’s achievements, and being playful are just a few examples of positive interactions that help make marriages successful.

Commitment

Successful marriages involve both spouses’ commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, despite the unavoidable challenges and obstacles that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship that lasts. In our culture, individualism is highly valued, but individualism focuses on the needs and fulfillment of the self. Being attentive to one’s own needs is important, but if it is not balanced by a concern for the needs of others, it can easily lead to selfishness in marriage.

Husbands and wives who focus only on themselves and their own desires are not as likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships. However, when spouses are committed to investing in their marriage and are willing to sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good of the relationship, they usually have high-quality marriages.

Empathy

Another characteristic of happy marriages is empathy—understanding a person’s perspective by putting oneself in his or her shoes. Many researchers have shown that empathy is important for relationship satisfaction. People are more likely to feel good about their marriage and spouse if their partner expresses empathy toward them. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts and feelings.

Acceptance

One of the most basic needs in a relationship is acceptance. Everyone wants to feel valued and respected. When people believe their spouses truly accept them for who they are, they are usually more secure and confident in their relationships.

Often there is conflict in marriage because partners cannot accept the individual preferences of their spouses and try to demand change. When one person tries to force change from another, he or she is usually met with resistance. However, research has shown that change is much more likely to occur when spouses respect differences and accept each other unconditionally. Basic acceptance is vital to a happy marriage.

Love and Respect

Perhaps the most important components of successful marriages are love and respect for each other. This may seem obvious—why would two people get married if they did not love and respect each other? The fact is, as time passes and life becomes increasingly complicated, the marriage often suffers. It becomes easy for spouses to lose touch with each other and neglect the love and romance that once came so easily. Husbands and wives must continue to cultivate love and respect for each other throughout their lives.

Marriage is a challenge, especially if you want your relationship to be more than run-of-the-mill. If you and your spouse dedicate yourselves to developing these five factors, it is likely you’ll experience more satisfaction in your marriage. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805 Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.